Jump to content

SEGASonic Radio
RSS Feed
Follow the Sonic Stadium's Facebook Page
Follow TSS' Twitter
 
Photo

Fanfiction: Silver the Hedgehog


  • Please log in to reply
24 replies to this topic

#1 Silver*

Silver*
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 10 August 2010 - 02:01 PM

PART 1:

Silver's story:

My adventure started when Shadow and I were walking along the side walk. We were just on our way home from the candy shop right across the street from where we were walking. Today, it seemed fine. No crime, no noise, just peace and quiet. Well, except Shadow was showing off his fancy footwear. Man, was that annoying!

"Hey Silver! Check this out" Shadow said very "cool" like.

He glided around me with his rocket wear showing off his speedy getaway.

"Yeah, Shads... nice. Very nice" I said flatly.

"You're just mad because you can't light a fire under your feet" Shadow said in a showoff tone.

I rolled my eyes as I went to the newspaper stand. When I picked up the paper, I noticed that there was a picture of me about to punch Eggman Nega, on the front cover.

"Wow, this picture looks pretty good... great shot of me"

"Silver!" Shadow yelled.

"Wait Shads!"

I was trying to finish reading the story that the press did on my recent fight with Eggman Nega. I must say, the story was pretty interesting the way the press did it.

"SILVER!!!!"

I turned around and right before my eyes, I saw Shadow being captured in a force field like container.

"Shads!" I yelled as I ran towards the ship.

"Glad you finally noticed" Eggman Nega said with a smirk.

"Eggman Nega! What are you doing?!" I asked.

"Oh... with this brilliant capsule that I made, now I have the ultimate power... to RULE THE WORLD!"

"Just what would you want with Shadow?!"

"That.... you see, kid, your friend holds the ultimate power that many fear. Using his powers, I can power-up my ultimate weapon: Metal Silver! And with his powers plus it's own, there's nothing you can do to stop me! MWAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Just how are you going to get rid of my powers?" Shadow asked.

Eggman Nega then pulled out a gun like device....

"With this glorious invention, I can get rid of your powers once and for all! HAHAHAHA!"

"SILVER!!!! HELP!!!"

"Shadow... just hang on! I will save you!"

"I believe in you, Silver. I know you will.."

Shadow struck me with his words. Mostly because in my mind, I thought that the strength that I've gained, was from working with Shadow. He has always been my confidence from day one... he just doesn't know that. Shadow has always seen me as a strong leader, and it's because I make myself seem like I am stronger than him. I can't.... show him..... my weakness.

"Shads... I...I don't know what to say. I... I can't.... do it"

"Silver, you've told me to never give up.... that's what you said to me when I said "I can't". Why are you doing this? You've always beaten Eggman Nega and won"

"Shadow, you've fought along side me for all those battles. Your encouragement as given me the strength to be the best hero I can be. Now, I'll be alone"

"I am giving you some now... I just won't be by your side, Silver. I won't be by you to cheer you on. But you don't need me to cheer you on; because the hero lies in you. That's what a certain silver hedgehog once told me. Please, Silver, you got to help me. You have always been the hero to everyone around you... now, it's time for you to be MY hero"

Now, at this point, I have to toughen up. Mostly to show Shadow that I am here for him if he ever needed a friend. Also, it's embarrassing that Shadow is using MY teachings to comfort me.

"Shads, I will come save you... you can count on that!"

"I'm counting on you Silv... "

After he said that, Eggman Nega pushed a button on his machine, which made Shadow disappear out of the force field container.

"Let's see if you can save him now! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Where is he? You better tell me NOW!"

"Ohh... feisty are we? Look for my base, and you will find him. For now... see ya! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Eggman Nega sped off in his fighter jet. Knowing that he is on his way to the base, I decided to secretly follow him. However, there is only one way to get to his base... and that's through that Mathematics Zone....

#2 Frozen Nitrogen

Frozen Nitrogen

    Generally vicious and caustic about everything

  • TSS Member
  • 1,406 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:This chair
  • Country:Uzbekistan

Posted 10 August 2010 - 03:26 PM

Silver and Nega live 200+ years in the future how did Shadow even get there :blink:

#3 Saint Nathan

Saint Nathan

    my milkshake

  • TSS Member
  • 3,538 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Space
  • Country:United States

Posted 10 August 2010 - 05:35 PM

Why is Shadow a dude in distress?

Also why is he showing off at all.

Also why is he so expectant of Silver to save him?

This is incredibly out of character. For anyone but Amy and Cream.

#4 Michael Myers

Michael Myers

    Member

  • TSS Member
  • 616 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Haddonfield
  • Country:Sweden

Posted 10 August 2010 - 06:00 PM

Silver and Nega live 200+ years in the future how did Shadow even get there :blink:

A plothole in something Sonic related. Surprise.

#5 eXtaticus

eXtaticus

    Forgive me if I withhold my enthusiasm.

  • Banned
  • 1,537 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:In ur root shell, droppin' sudo commands.
  • Country:United Kingdom

Posted 10 August 2010 - 09:42 PM

Silver and Nega live 200+ years in the future how did Shadow even get there :blink:


Chaos Control? Agelessness? Immortality?

Each and every one of these are perfectly valid.

#6 Diogenes

Diogenes

    someone who's blatantly strange

  • TSS Member
  • 9,972 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Land of Stumps and Dismay

Posted 10 August 2010 - 09:59 PM

This is incredibly out of character.

Yeah, this is so far out that it's really hard to get into. Shadow seems more like Silver's version of Tails (possibly more fanboyish than him, even) than, well, Shadow. Silver's a lot closer, but it's bizarre for him to have this deep relationship with Shadow just out of nowhere.

#7 Saint Nathan

Saint Nathan

    my milkshake

  • TSS Member
  • 3,538 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Space
  • Country:United States

Posted 10 August 2010 - 10:19 PM

Yeah, this is so far out that it's really hard to get into. Shadow seems more like Silver's version of Tails (possibly more fanboyish than him, even) than, well, Shadow. Silver's a lot closer, but it's bizarre for him to have this deep relationship with Shadow just out of nowhere.


More like Sonic, until he's captured, and then he's Amy.

Also Nega is more like AoStH Eggman.

Also Silver is more like Shadow.

I have no idea what you got from anything to have them act like literal polar opposites of who they are.

#8 Frozen Nitrogen

Frozen Nitrogen

    Generally vicious and caustic about everything

  • TSS Member
  • 1,406 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:This chair
  • Country:Uzbekistan

Posted 10 August 2010 - 11:58 PM

Chaos Control? Agelessness? Immortality?

Each and every one of these are perfectly valid.

As a stupid fanfic writer myself, these excuses only work if an author actually cites them.

A plothole in something Sonic related. Surprise.

Fanfics are supposed to be our means of plugging these holes, not perpetuating them! :P

#9 NominalMuffin

NominalMuffin

    But you can call me sir.

  • TSS Member
  • 16 Posts:
  • Skype:RulesApply
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:In His World.
  • Country:United Kingdom

Posted 11 August 2010 - 12:03 AM

I have a great number of words to say based on this piece; some of them being "what the hell".

...actually, those three feature pretty frequently in my reading of this.


Might I ask why this is just so... uhhh... 4Kids?

#10 Silver*

Silver*
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 12 August 2010 - 03:33 AM

Didn't know this had comments. Let me start off by saying that I foresee nothing wrong with someone other than Amy, Cream or Tails being kidnapped. In this case, there was an explanation as to why Shadow never escaped. He couldn't. Eggman Nega trapped him in a force field container... which is not possible to escape. Shadow was transported to a force field protected jail cell... so he needed a rescuing.

Silver, being a child, was naturally shaken because he doesn't know what to do. He now has the responsibility of rescuing his best friend. Not only for Shadow's sake, but for the sake of his world. Eggman Nega was planning to take Shadow's powers away to power up Metal Silver... a weapon that can take over the world if powerful enough. Silver here has alot on his plate. And he has to go through the Mathematics Zone... which comes a spoiler: it's also creepy and haunted.

Silver' s pretty much himself. The only difference is that I didn't put him with Blaze. I didn't want her to be in with Silver because I want Silver to discover the hero in himself.

Shadow... I can understand because I made him more happy-go-lucky... however, in my series, Shadow has fond someone that understands what's he going through... so... Shadow would be looser with Silver.

To make Silver more confident, I made Shadow his side-kick.

#11 Chan Kaylore

Chan Kaylore

    Catchin' the eye of the storm

  • TSS Member
  • 43 Posts:
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Australia

Posted 12 August 2010 - 04:04 AM

Shadow... I can understand because I made him more happy-go-lucky... however, in my series, Shadow has fond someone that understands what's he going through... so... Shadow would be looser with Silver.

To make Silver more confident, I made Shadow his side-kick.


This raises so many more questions than it should, and I'm kinda wondering how it clears anything up. How does Silver relate to what Shadow's gone through? Why is he acting more like a childish comic relief? How the hell did he wind up as a sidekick?

If this is part of a series, like you said, is this the beginning, or somewhere in the middle, or elsewhere? How did they even meet up and get to know each other?

It... kinda needs a bit of work to clarify a whole swathe of things.

#12 Saint Nathan

Saint Nathan

    my milkshake

  • TSS Member
  • 3,538 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Space
  • Country:United States

Posted 12 August 2010 - 04:53 AM

Didn't know this had comments. Let me start off by saying that I foresee nothing wrong with someone other than Amy, Cream or Tails being kidnapped.


I don't think that was ever a real issue with Shadow being kidnapped. It's the way you did it. He's portrayed as completely helpless like you would portray Peach in a Mario game.

In this case, there was an explanation as to why Shadow never escaped. He couldn't. Eggman Nega trapped him in a force field container... which is not possible to escape.



Does it drain Chaos Energy or such? You gave no explanation other than "FORCE FIELD" which is about as good as going into a math class and instead of giving solutions, you're just writing "IT'S MAGIC."

He now has the responsibility of rescuing his best friend. Not only for Shadow's sake, but for the sake of his world. Eggman Nega was planning to take Shadow's powers away to power up Metal Silver... a weapon that can take over the world if powerful enough. Silver here has alot on his plate. And he has to go through the Mathematics Zone... which comes a spoiler: it's also creepy and haunted.


We didn't need a recap, thanks.

Also "Mathematics Zone"

What.

Silver' s pretty much himself. The only difference is that I didn't put him with Blaze. I didn't want her to be in with Silver because I want Silver to discover the hero in himself.


Except the entire first part where he acts like Shadow. Also where Shadow acts like Blaze except with some Cream and Amy thrown in.

Shadow... I can understand because I made him more happy-go-lucky...


Out of character. Severely. Like I said, he acts like a slightly less out of character Blaze, why both not having her in there if the roles could be switched more easily than you have them now?

however, in my series, Shadow has fond someone that understands what's he going through... so... Shadow would be looser with Silver.


  • This is a series? Where are all the other episodes/chapters/what have you?
  • It's found.
  • Shadow doesn't act like this with Omega and Rouge, whom he shares almost the same kind of relationship with. Shadow is a hardass even when he's trying not to be, it's just who he is. And what does he need understanding anyways?

To make Silver more confident, I made Shadow his side-kick.


Out of character again. Shadow isn't side-kick material at all.

You are writing a severely out of character yaoi fanfic. That is what this looks like, show this to anyone else and don't tell them what it is, that's what they'll think.

I hate saying this, but it's just not very good writing. Especially for a fanfic. Not John Freeman bad, but it's not good.

#13 HunterTSF

HunterTSF
  • Skype:HunterTSF
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Phoenix, Arizona
  • Country:United States

Posted 12 August 2010 - 07:21 AM

Oh boy, storytime! Imma go grab some cookies and a glass of warm milk~

Ahem, as much as I love fanfictions that feature Shadow, Silver, and Eggman Nega (and trust me, I do), and I don't mean to be echoing everyone else's opinion, but something just seems to be incredibly off about this... well, actually a lot is off. Like the characters aren't acting like themselves. =\

Didn't know this had comments. Let me start off by saying that I foresee nothing wrong with someone other than Amy, Cream or Tails being kidnapped. In this case, there was an explanation as to why Shadow never escaped. He couldn't. Eggman Nega trapped him in a force field container... which is not possible to escape. Shadow was transported to a force field protected jail cell... so he needed a rescuing.


There's nothing wrong with the concept of Shadow being kidnapped, no - it's his lack of resistance which is unsettling. Shadow wouldn't care if he were stuck in an giant indestructible diamond geode that was encased in a safe constructed out of cross-weaved carbon nanotubes suspended in a laser cage above a pit of lava filled to the brim with demonic robot zombie ninja sharks - he'd try to break the fuck out anyways. There would be much resistance - he's not one to give up without a fight. He's travelled through freaking time and space just to destroy someone who he had a bone to pick with before. And he succeeded.

His over-reliance on Silver to rescue him from the force field container is totally out of character. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if Shadow tried to kick Nega's ass while he was still in it (and knowing how his inventions are just as faulty as his forebear's, I wouldn't be surprised if he could break the container in the process).

Silver, being a child, was naturally shaken because he doesn't know what to do. He now has the responsibility of rescuing his best friend. Not only for Shadow's sake, but for the sake of his world. Eggman Nega was planning to take Shadow's powers away to power up Metal Silver... a weapon that can take over the world if powerful enough. Silver here has alot on his plate. And he has to go through the Mathematics Zone... which comes a spoiler: it's also creepy and haunted.


Err...wat. When Silver as much as sees someone whom he considers to be a target of his (Iblis Trigger/Eggman Nega!!1!) he goes all determinator on them - he doesn't really think all too much before acting. In a situation such as this he'd more likely than not just mindlessly start on the offence due to his extreme slightly-aggressive naivety and simple thought process of "I gotta do X to save the the world!". Freezing up in fear in a "Rival appears!" moment is not something that he would do.

Shadow... I can understand because I made him more happy-go-lucky... however, in my series, Shadow has fond someone that understands what's he going through... so... Shadow would be looser with Silver.

To make Silver more confident, I made Shadow his side-kick.


Shadow isn't one to be anybody's sidekick. He's just not a submissive or friendly character; rather, he's the inverse - dominant and antisocial. He's not even intimate with his fellow Team Dark teammates Rouge and Omega, and they're the only "friends" that he has. Even the occasions in which Shadow is helping Rouge on a mission, he makes it quite apparent who's playing out the prominent role.

The time frame is kinda buggy too. This is in the future, I presume? Shadow's there because he's ageless and whatnot?

...and last time I checked Eggman Nega wants to destroy the world, not rule it. And he goes "Ha ha ha." or "Hee hee hee." - he does not laugh maniacally! The dry sarcasm and fancy vocabulary of his are spot-on though.

But hey, I suppose you can do whatever the heck you feel like doing in a fanfiction - it's your work after all. But generally speaking public works should at least try to keep the cast in-character to some extent so that it's enjoyable to the reader as featuring the characters with their recognizable personalities that we've all come to know and love in the first place.

Edited by HunterTSF, 12 August 2010 - 08:10 AM.


#14 Edward James Olmos

Edward James Olmos

    So Say We Olmos

  • TSS Member
  • 3,949 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Olmos
  • Country:United States

Posted 12 August 2010 - 10:32 AM

The candy shop? But Shadow only likes dark, dark chocolate.

I always assumed Shadow would live pretty long. If he's been around that whole time, maybe you can explain his change of attitude.

#15 Silver*

Silver*
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 12 August 2010 - 05:00 PM

First off... this is not yaoi. I am not a yaoi fan so why would I write about two guys falling in love? There's nothing wrong with two guys being best friends. This is actually my first time writing something that is not romance or romance drama. (I can post those here if you want to get an idea)

I've always wanted to write an adventure story that really shows Silver's heroism other than running from Blaze and and doing things that make Rouge upset.

Thanks for all your comments and I'm sorry that I didn't make Shadow hard. If I did, then he's overshadow Silver and the story is called Silver the Hedgehog.

Unfortunately, this isn't the whole story since this is in 3 parts. You'd have to read the whole thing to get a better opinion.

Edited by Flower-Pwr, 12 August 2010 - 05:02 PM.


#16 Hogfather

Hogfather
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Just off the Scrap Brain Zone by the river.

Posted 12 August 2010 - 05:42 PM

I've not read it all, I was curious because I kept seeing it bumped to the top when normally it's artwork there so I had a feeling that it was either exceptionally good or there was the open buffet sign for people to go off on one.

Now, because I've not read it all yet and well... despite being a writer myself I don't actually like to read stories on a screen, I just can't concentrate enough to take it all in. But there is one thing that stands out and it's something that I don't think is working.

You're writing it from the point of view as Silver. But... I don't believe that you are Silver, I don't believe that Silver is writing it. Theres several reasons for that, one is that I just don't ever see Silver writing a book, but also, the language and the style doesn't sound like Silver.

I think that this would sound and read a lot better if you didn't write it as Silver, but wrote it as an author, I'll show you what I mean by that in a moment. But also, one thing that it lacks which is another problem, especially for me. I can't picture anything.

I think you should work on your descriptions a little, theres a great book called "Snow Falling On Cedars" I think David Gutterson is the author, for me, it was one of the most important books I've read, it's not a great story, I don't like it, but the descriptions are fantastic, the picture in your mind opens like a painting. Other really good books to read would be "Birdsong" by Sebastian Faulks and "The Night Heron" by Jez Butterworth (Night Herron is a play), they will give you a really good idea as to how you should write descriptions, so it gives your reader a really good world to live in, that way they can see and smell everything your characters do and feel like they're there with them.

If I could take one of your early paragraphs.

My adventure started when Shadow and I were walking along the side walk. We were just on our way home from the candy shop right across the street from where we were walking. Today, it seemed fine. No crime, no noise, just peace and quiet. Well, except Shadow was showing off his fancy footwear. Man, was that annoying!


Taking away the idea of writing as the perspective as Silver, and adding a bit more description, you could make it stand out.

"It was another heavy day when Silver and Shadow passed the children eyeing up their desires, the candy stores clean windows offered a variety of exciting red and blue delights for their welcome lips. The hard side walk combined with the heavy air made the day seem a little more punishing than pleasent. But with a lack of police sirens and shoppers enjoying the sun instead of the bargains made the city quiet. Overall, they would look back and say it was a nice day. The one disruption to the calm was however, Shadows constant efforts to push his new shoes to the limit made the walk less enjoyable that it should, Silver yearned for him to be satisfied."

Edited by Gnasher, 12 August 2010 - 05:42 PM.


#17 Saint Nathan

Saint Nathan

    my milkshake

  • TSS Member
  • 3,538 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Space
  • Country:United States

Posted 12 August 2010 - 09:52 PM

First off... this is not yaoi.


Never said it was. It just reads like one.

I've always wanted to write an adventure story that really shows Silver's heroism other than running from Blaze and and doing things that make Rouge upset.



Uh.

What.

Thanks for all your comments and I'm sorry that I didn't make Shadow hard.



Uh.

What.

Is English your first language? I'm curious, it might explain things.

If I did, then he's overshadow Silver and the story is called Silver the Hedgehog.


Having a character with a consistent personality does not overpower the main character, Shadow goes from being Sonic to being Amy to being Blaze within a millisecond, and he never acts like Shadow. if you made him act like Shadow, it wouldn't mean Silver would suddenly stop being the main character or anything.

Unfortunately, this isn't the whole story since this is in 3 parts. You'd have to read the whole thing to get a better opinion.


No I don't. My opinion on the first chapter can be formed on the first chapter alone, and it's not good. If the rest reads like this and you continue to make these characters act like their exact opposites, then it won't be good.

#18 Silver*

Silver*
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 13 August 2010 - 12:05 AM

English was my first language... "hard" is just slang for "hardcore". And I never knew that I was that bad... so maybe I can fix that. I was just trying to be different than the other Sonic writers. In all actuality, I wanted Shads to have a more human personality.

#19 Saint Nathan

Saint Nathan

    my milkshake

  • TSS Member
  • 3,538 Posts:
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Space
  • Country:United States

Posted 13 August 2010 - 12:11 AM

English was my first language... "hard" is just slang for "hardcore".


I have never heard that before.

Well, you learn something new every day.

And I never knew that I was that bad... so maybe I can fix that.


It's not... bad kind of bad, it's just not good. You know? You're not tripping over yourself in the writing and the plot is interesting, but it's just poorly executed and it could be done better.

I was just trying to be different than the other Sonic writers. In all actuality, I wanted Shads to have a more human personality.


They're pretty human. Shadow had a life of mostly pain after the one person who he knew died, so he's quiet and more of a loaner. It's a pretty human trait to detach yourself from the world after mental trauma.

It's just weird that everyone acts so unlike themselves.

#20 Silver*

Silver*
  • Gender:Not Telling

Posted 13 August 2010 - 12:17 AM

What's weird that that most people say I made Silver out of character and he's my favorite character. I am just trying to emphasize his strong side.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users