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    • Emperor Robrainiac

      Anyone ever want to speak with a close friend from a long time ago, but are too afraid because not much has changed last time you talked to them and are afraid of coming across as a loser to them?
      Because that's me right now.
      · 0 replies
    • Speederino

      Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
      You know the place
      Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

      Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
      My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

      Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
      Every single mornin'
      It was driving me crazy

      I said to my mom
      I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
      And my dear, sweet mother
      She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
      And she leaned right down next to me
      And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
      And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
      And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

      That's when I swore that someday
      Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
      Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
      And the towels are oh so fluffy
      Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
      And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

      Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

      Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
      Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
      To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
      I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
      That's right, a first class one-way ticket to


      Oh yeah
      You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
      And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
      Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
      And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
      The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
      And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
      And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
      And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
      And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
      Except for me
      You know why?

      'Cause I had my tray table up
      And my seat back in the full upright position
      Had my tray table up
      And my seat back in the full upright position
      Had my tray table up
      And my seat back in the full upright position

      Ah ha ha ha
      Ah ha ha

      So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
      I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
      Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
      And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
      And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
      But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
      Where the towels are oh so fluffy
      And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
      It's OK, they're clean

      Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
      And I turned on the SpectraVision
      And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
      That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

      Well now, who could that be?
      I say "Who is it?"
      No answer
      "Who is it?"
      There's no answer
      "WHO IS IT?"
      They're not sayin' anything

      So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
      It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
      Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
      So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
      And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
      "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
      And he's like "Tough"
      And I'm like "Give it"
      And he's like "Make me"
      And I'm like "'Kay"
      So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
      And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
      And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
      Yes indeed, you better believe it
      And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
      And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
      And you know what it said?
      I'll tell you what it said

      It said
      "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
      "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
      "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
      "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

      In Albuquerque

      Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
      But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
      I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
      But first, I decided to buy some donuts

      So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
      And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
      And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
      I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
      He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
      I said "You got any jelly donuts?"
      He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
      I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
      He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
      I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
      He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
      I said "You got any apple fritters?"
      He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
      I said "You got any bear claws?"
      He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
      "No, we're outta bear claws"
      I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
      He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
      I said "OK, I'll take that"

      So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
      And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
      (rabid gnawing sounds)
      Oh man, they were just going nuts
      They were tearin' me apart
      You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head
      I believe it went a little something like this . . .

      Get 'em off me
      Get 'em off me
      No, get 'em off, get 'em off
      Oh, oh God, oh God
      Oh, get 'em off me
      Oh, oh God
      Ah, (more screaming)

      I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
      Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
      Like a constipated weiner dog
      And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
      Her name was Zelda
      She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
      I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
      She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

      That's when I knew it was true love
      We were inseperable after that
      Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
      We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
      The world was our burrito
      So we got married and we bought us a house
      And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
      Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

      But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
      She said "Sweetie pumpkin, do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
      I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"
      "I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
      So we broke up and I never saw her again
      But that's just the way things go

      In Albuquerque

      Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
      Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
      That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
      I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
      Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
      I was gettin' a lot of attitude

      OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
      Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
      When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
      So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
      And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
      "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

      So I did

      And then he gets all indignant on me
      He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
      Well, that's just great
      How was I supposed to know that?
      I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
      Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
      So what's he complaining about?

      Say, that reminds me of another amusing antic joke
      This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days
      Well, I knew what he meant
      But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
      And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
      And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
      But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
      (screaming sounds)
      You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
      Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

      Anyway, um, um, where was I?
      Kinda lost my train of thought

      Uh, well, uh, OK
      Anyway I, I know it's kinda a roundabout way of saying it
      But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is


      That's all I'm really tryin' to say
      And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
      And find yourself in an existential quandry
      Full of loathing and self-doubt
      And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
      At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
      Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours
      There's still a little place called

      Albuquerque, Albuquerque
      Albuquerque, Albuquerque
      Albuquerque, Albuquerque
      Albuquerque, Albuquerque

      I said "A" (A)
      "L" (L)
      "B" (B)
      "U" (U)
      "querque" (querque)

      Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
      Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
      Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
      Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

      · 1 reply
    • BlueSpeedster

      Tik Tok will no longer be banned! (To the dismay of Twitter, haters and Reddit.)
      · 1 reply
    • Zaysho

      Man, these updates aren't even a month apart...
      · 1 reply
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