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Status Updates posted by Speederino

  1. It just occured to me that the 3DS's death means the death of the DS line in general. That's a 16 year long saga come to an end. Also, I feel fucking old. If the original DS was a person they'd be old enough to legally drive a car now. Fuck me.

    1. Your Vest Friend

      Your Vest Friend

      If we consider the entire family of Nintendo handhelds, that's a 31 year line dead now.

    2. Speederino


      Depends on what you view the Switch as. I've heard people say they think of it as a handheld that happens to hook to a TV, rather than a true hybrid (like I do).

    3. Blue Blood

      Blue Blood

      It's weird though, cause the Switch is still very much a handheld. It's even got a variant that's exclusively handheld. But there's no differentiation between handheld and console games anymore. That's the big loss. 

    4. Thigolf


      Was there a differentiation between handheld and console games, though? Most games on console have features that were primarily a thing on handhelds before, like quick saves, for example, and handhelds received some of the most elaborate, giant RPG experiences, for example, things you'd just see on consoles prior.

      Like, way back in the day? Sure. But recently? I think the line has gotten pretty blurred at this point.

    5. JezMM


      I guess there's something to be said for handhelds that fit into your pocket, as well as games that are designed for the short 10-15 minute session by necessity.  I'm sure games may still be designed with handheld in mind on Switch, but there's no obligation to.  And of course, we have mobile games, but they tend to go beyond that "short session" idea to games that are designed to literally give you a dose of meaningful content in just 1-2 minutes.

  2. I really hope we someday find out more about the cancelled version of Metroid Prime 4. It must have been a real shitshow for Nintendo to pull the plug like that.

  3. Call me insane, but I kinda want to try for 100% on Sunshine. I know the journey will be arduous. I know the reward is NOT worth it. But I can do it to prove to humanity that no feat is impossible, no mountain is too vast or ocean too deep.

    I WILL 100% SUNSHINE FOR ALL OF MANKIND unlessidecidenotto

  4. Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
    You know the place
    Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

    Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
    My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

    Awww - Big bowl of sauerkraut
    Every single mornin'
    It was driving me crazy

    I said to my mom
    I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?"
    And my dear, sweet mother
    She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
    And she leaned right down next to me
    And she said "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU"
    And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
    And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

    That's when I swore that someday
    Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
    Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
    And the towels are oh so fluffy
    Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
    And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

    Wacka wacka doodoo yeah

    Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
    Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
    To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
    I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
    That's right, a first class one-way ticket to


    Oh yeah
    You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
    And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
    Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
    And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
    The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
    And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
    And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
    And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
    And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
    Except for me
    You know why?

    'Cause I had my tray table up
    And my seat back in the full upright position
    Had my tray table up
    And my seat back in the full upright position
    Had my tray table up
    And my seat back in the full upright position

    Ah ha ha ha
    Ah ha ha

    So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
    I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
    Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
    And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
    And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
    But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
    Where the towels are oh so fluffy
    And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
    It's OK, they're clean

    Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
    And I turned on the SpectraVision
    And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
    That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

    Well now, who could that be?
    I say "Who is it?"
    No answer
    "Who is it?"
    There's no answer
    "WHO IS IT?"
    They're not sayin' anything

    So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
    It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
    Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
    So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
    And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
    "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
    And he's like "Tough"
    And I'm like "Give it"
    And he's like "Make me"
    And I'm like "'Kay"
    So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
    And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
    And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
    Yes indeed, you better believe it
    And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
    And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
    And you know what it said?
    I'll tell you what it said

    It said
    "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
    "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
    "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
    "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

    In Albuquerque

    Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
    But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
    I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
    But first, I decided to buy some donuts

    So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
    And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
    And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
    I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
    He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
    I said "You got any jelly donuts?"
    He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
    I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
    He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
    I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
    He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
    I said "You got any apple fritters?"
    He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
    I said "You got any bear claws?"
    He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
    "No, we're outta bear claws"
    I said "Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?"
    He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
    I said "OK, I'll take that"

    So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
    And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
    (rabid gnawing sounds)
    Oh man, they were just going nuts
    They were tearin' me apart
    You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head
    I believe it went a little something like this . . .

    Get 'em off me
    Get 'em off me
    No, get 'em off, get 'em off
    Oh, oh God, oh God
    Oh, get 'em off me
    Oh, oh God
    Ah, (more screaming)

    I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
    Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
    Like a constipated weiner dog
    And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
    Her name was Zelda
    She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
    I'll never forget the first thing she said to me.
    She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

    That's when I knew it was true love
    We were inseperable after that
    Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
    We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
    The world was our burrito
    So we got married and we bought us a house
    And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
    Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

    But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
    She said "Sweetie pumpkin, do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
    I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"
    "I'm just not ready for that kinda commitment"
    So we broke up and I never saw her again
    But that's just the way things go

    In Albuquerque

    Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
    Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
    That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
    I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
    Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
    I was gettin' a lot of attitude

    OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
    Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
    When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
    So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
    And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
    "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

    So I did

    And then he gets all indignant on me
    He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
    Well, that's just great
    How was I supposed to know that?
    I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
    Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname - Torso-Boy
    So what's he complaining about?

    Say, that reminds me of another amusing antic joke
    This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days
    Well, I knew what he meant
    But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
    And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
    And I'm like "Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?"
    But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
    (screaming sounds)
    You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
    Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

    Anyway, um, um, where was I?
    Kinda lost my train of thought

    Uh, well, uh, OK
    Anyway I, I know it's kinda a roundabout way of saying it
    But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is


    That's all I'm really tryin' to say
    And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
    And find yourself in an existential quandry
    Full of loathing and self-doubt
    And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
    At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
    Somewhere out there in this crazy old mixed-up universe of ours
    There's still a little place called

    Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque

    I said "A" (A)
    "L" (L)
    "B" (B)
    "U" (U)
    "querque" (querque)

    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
    Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque


    1. Blacklightning


      That's nice sir but this is a bank

    2. PC the Hedgehog

      PC the Hedgehog

      I used to perform this piece (sans music of course) during speech competitions. My fellow students enjoyed it so much that whenever we were all practicing and I got to the donut scene, everyone else would quit practicing just to listen to me.

      Still Weird Al's magnum opus, IMO. The first time I heard the part where he fought against the guy who wanted to steal his snorkel, I laughed until I cried.

    3. Wonderworld Ultima

      Wonderworld Ultima

      ...Sir we serve food here.

  5. Gotta love when a game unexpectedly crashes and you lose like two hours of progress. That’s great. Reeeeeaaaaaallly great.

    1. Your Vest Friend

      Your Vest Friend

      As unreliable as the LEGO games are, they tend to save progress automatically really often, so the biggest challenge is just getting back to the point you were (which, in LEGO games, is pretty easy).

      This was a deal breaker for Dimensions though because it didn't do that for some reason.

  6. Holy crap Rune Factory 5 looks good.

    1. Speederino


      Not that I was expecting it to look like another DS game, but hot damn.

  7. The 3DS era has ended, and with it goes my dreams of seeing a port of Bubsy 3D in actual 3D.   ;A;

    1. Ferno


      Still mad that they missed the opportunity to finally have Luigi's Mansion 1 in 3D like they originally tested on the Gamecube version . When the port came out it was yet another twilight-years 3DS title without 3D included.

    2. neezTHEhuman


      the eshop still running?

    3. Speederino


      I can't check for myself right now but I think they'd formally announce that, probably give us time to make last-minute purchases like with the Wii Shop Channel.

      There's still quite a few things I want to snag from the eShop.

  8. I called Miles Morales also being on PS4. NOTHING about that trailer screamed ‘PS5’ to me, anyways.

    1. Strickerx5


      ... im low key still going to get a PS5 just to play it at 60...

  9. Was helping my dad with a tv problem, got a healthy does of Fox News in the process. Oh lord. Oh lordy lord.

    "Does Biden look like he's having FUN wearing his stupid lib-tard mask? No! He wants to make everyone wear them and stop your kids from having FUN! How dare we let our kids have FUN at school and Sunday church!"

    You know kids these days, so damn eager to have FUN at Sunday church. Just one big bouncy castle in there, lemme tell ya.

    1. Supah Berry

      Supah Berry

      "The Bible says nothing about covering your mouth and nose to avert infection!"

      You question the words of the mightyJIMMY - You question the words of the  mighty JIMMY - iFunny :)

  10. Welp, there goes another several hundred hours of ny life, most likely.

  11. Look I'm sure the "you're not a dish, you're a man" guy is a very nice person irl, but I kinda want to punch his face in. It's not even his fault. I just...really, really want to punch him.

  12. A conservative political spam bot/company has clearly mistaken my phone number for my dad's, because I keep getting pro-Trump texts with his name attatched. But each one is from a different number so I can't block them and gdjskhdgdgtdjsksnvdiso help

    1. Supah Berry

      Supah Berry

      I have the exact same trouble, except with my Mom. Though that might have more to do with my parents setting up certain authorization/registration stuff themselves, so that could explain where the bots get her from

  13. Summarize your personality with a single Youtube video.

    Edit: I just noticed this video was even published on my birthday. Fucking perfect.

    1. A wild west steam engine
    2. Zaysho
    3. SweeCrue
    4. Nina Cortex Jovahexeon
    5. The Deleter

      The Deleter

      Twitter video of a youtube video but


    6. Waveshocker Sigma

      Waveshocker Sigma

      If you're a Fate fan, there are multiple layers to unravel in the existence of this video. lol

  14. I hate how Steam has to warn you that you're leaving Steam whenever you click an external url within it. Because any website not operated by Valve is dangerous, I guess.

    1. Speederino


      I'm aware it's likely there because legal reasons but there's such a thing as unnecessary red tape, you know?

  15. Ghost of Tsushima is one of the few games where I'm cool with just riding my horse at a slow, steady trot so I can soak in the atmosphere.

  16. I'm confused, is Gotham Knights a continuation of Arkham or not? The general plot fits but some of the little details aren't adding up for me. Granted, I have played Arkham Knight in a while.

    1. Boomer


      It isn't. Babs is walking still and Gordon is dead 

    2. Ryannumber1gamer


      It's set in it's own universe. Bruce claims he's dead, but given the Court of Owls is involved, they've likely kidnapped him.

      As for Babs, apparently you can see a wheelchair in the trailer at some point, indicating like the comics, she was paralysed, and then slowly learned to walk again.

  17. AI Dungeon is a fucking trip. I picked a scenario that was supposed to be a simple dating sim. I have somehow gotten wrapped up in trying to kill witches to dispel a demonic curse. But like...damn it. I play games like this to try and *escape* real life, you know?

    1. Your Vest Friend

      Your Vest Friend

      It's the Sayaka Miki route.

    2. booblur98


      i once tried making a simple, lighthearted, kirby-themed story in ai dungeon

      it eventually turned into a war story and then turned into a zombie story

    3. Crow the BOOLET

      Crow the BOOLET

      Welp I might be addicted to this because of how insane it gets.

      Somehow I started with a zombie apocalypse only to fly off into space to play pool with planets only to destroy the universe with a big bang and me literally recreating the universe. Then it went on a wild goose hunt to find Link to defeat Ganon but I ran into Manny Calavera only for him to get blown up by Megumin...who wanted to wish me a happy birthday.

      What happened to the zombies? *shrug* Also the government killed Ganon anyways, lol

  18. Haven't watched live TV in a while. Let's see what's on!

    *turns on TV*

    *"My Teenage Daughter is Pregnant and so am I"*


    *throws cable box in the trash*

  19. If America ever has another civil war, it’s not gonna be over equality or political differences. It’s gonna be over how we like to eat our pizza.

    1. Speederino


      You think I’m joking, but go find a forum or social media thread discussing people’s preferred pizza and learn the true definition of toxicity.

    2. TheOcelot


       The Pizzapocalypse.

    3. KHCast


      Pizzagate 2.0

    4. A wild west steam engine

      A wild west steam engine

      I should go there and bring this, 


    5. Your Vest Friend

      Your Vest Friend

      Hot take: If people are outraged at pineapple on pizza, wait until they learn of pineapple on gammon...with egg.

    6. KHCast


      Fruit pizza is the best dessert. Come at me 

  20. Ronald McDonald, the Burger King, Wendy, and Jack Box are thrown into an arena with a single, sharpened spear. Only one can leave alive. Who is it?

  21. There's no "I" in "team". But there is an "e" and an "m", which can be used to spell "me". Which is the same thing as saying "I". So there actually is an "I" in "team".

    1. Crow the BOOLET

      Crow the BOOLET

      You know I was thinking this the whole time for the past couple of months

    2. Blue Blood

      Blue Blood

      You have to you use some linguistic gymnastics to find you make yourself the most important part of the team though. 

    3. Supah Berry

      Supah Berry

      There is also "meat" in team. I'd be more willing to cooperate in a team if they stick their promise of giving us meat

  22. Wait wait wait, the Destroy All Humans remake is out!? I hadn’t heard a peep about it since the reveal trailer and had no idea it was close to release, let alone...*out* out.

    1. NegaMetallix


      Yeah, I'd seen maybe one or two tweets announcing the game's release recently, but that's about it. Weird.

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