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2 0 1 1 "Wait a minute..." Eggman said, looking at the ground. He lifted the picnic blanket and saw- HOLY SHIT WHAT THE KENTUCKY FRIED FUCK IS THAT. And how about getting my goddamn groceries. I have a surprise birthday party I need to get stuff for. Why the hell did we have this picnic anyway?" "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED" Sonic shouted. "THE STORY QUALITY IS GETTING WORES. MY CENTSES ARR GETTING BADDER AND BADER" The old man charged for the window. He slammed through it, doing a frontflip out, and grabbed onto a hangglider. He then flew away from Pumpkin Hill, cheering. "WATCH OUT, RODENT, OLD MAN HENDERSON'S COMIN' FER YA!" "Is this some kind of joke." Said the Generic Policeman, in a tone so irritated it did not come off as a question. 2 0 1 2 ...he said before he hopped out the window, and climbed down the fire escape in the most badass way possible. Eggman quickly followed, though instead he took a more fabulous approach to his decent, by sliding down a pole with enough flair to make it rain dollar bills. He pulled a mint container out of his pocket and set it down on the ground. "Everyone, stand back." The Doctor pressed a button, and the container swiftly unfolded into a portable laboratory. "Eggman, I wouldn't do that if I were you!" Sonic yelled as the fat man opened the book, which created a vortex that sucked the three into the book, before closing shut. The book dropped to the ground and shut itself. 2 0 1 3 [5:41:51 PM] Cola: remember when this was a thing [5:41:56 PM] Cola: where's the writing pad [5:42:03 PM] Cola: i feel like doing this thing [5:27:23 PM] Cola: sup [5:45:19 PM] Cola: where the fuck is everyone [5:45:22 PM] Cola: get your ass in there [1:20:22 PM] Place: You know those things that you've wanted to do with your life [2:01:23 PM] Place: Then you forget about those things [2:01:34 PM] Place: For a very long time [2:01:41 PM] Place: And suddenly [2:01:48 PM] Place: There they are again Sonic Goes to the Store is a collaborative fanfiction between project leader Cola, Mr. Awesomest, Cero, Place, and Xenos. Several hiatuses and failed revivals later, this monstrous freak of boredom is going on its fourth year of existing, and what better way to celebrate such an underwhelming accomplishment than to get this bitch back on its feet. Expect plot holes, lack of context, juvenile humor, fluctuating characterization, and a number of other descriptionless things, none of which are conducive to telling an entertaining or fulfilling story. This is Sonic Goes to the Store, as it always has been, and as it always will be. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SONIC GOES TO THE STORE: CHAPTER 1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Ugh... what a night", a blue hedgehog grumbled. The hedgehog looked around him for a quick moment, finding himself in his shabby apartment. He felt something in his hand. Looking at it, he saw a bottle of absinth, with blood all over it. "OH GOD." He got up, and walked into his bathroom to see the tub filled with grape Faygo. The empty bottles floated around aimlessly in the purple soda. A broken "Miles Electric" joined the bottles in the drink, along with what he believed to be the dead carcasses of drowned chao. "Dammit Tails," Sonic groaned under his breath. "Where the hell did you go, anyway?" "I'm up here, Sonic," said a familiar voice from above. "God? Is that you?" "No you spiny blue prickbasket, it's Tails." And indeed it was. Tails had been glued to the ceiling by his feet with an adhesive of super glue and Faygo, which was to blame for the coarse lavender soup that Sonic's feet were submerged in. "Stop pretending to be cool and help me clean this place up," Sonic said, oblivious to the course of events. "I dunno if you've noticed, but I'm a bit tied up at the moment.", Tails replied, slightly irritated. "Fucking hell, do I have to do everything?" Sonic whined before grabbing the nearest broom stick and prodding it at Tails' feet, but came to quickly realize that the fox wouldn't be going anywhere. "Well fuck, it looks like I'll have to go buy some crap to get you loose. I'm going to the store." "Oh good, I guess a bit of entertainment would help at a time like this..." Tails sighed, rolling his eyes. Sonic stopped in the middle of the doorway, pondering the remark. "Tails what the fuck are you talking about? " "Haven't you noticed that everytime you try to go to a Store, you end up getting caught into a series of events filled with god monsters, crack cocaine, weird shipping, and godawful bullshit around every corner, that never gets an actual ending?" Sonic stared at him with a blank look for a second. "Nope. Bye!" "YOU TREMENDOUS SHITWIPE GET BACK HERE" Tails shouted in vain, for Sonic had already escaped into the city and off to the store. Tails settled, and suddenly a morbid thought crossed his mind, "I can't believe it. This time the blue bitch is actually going to set foot in the motherfucking store. I honestly can't help but wonder if...maybe there's a REASON we haven't been allowed to buy groceries before now?" The room grew silent. "I'm... actually worried for the guy." For the very first time in his entire goddamn life, Sonic actually walked into a store. "HOLY SHIT," Sonic exclaimed. "WHAT IS THIS PLACE?" "HOLY SHIT A TALKING ANIMAL" Shouted the distorted figure of Doctor Ivo Rrrrobotnik from behind the counter. No, not Eggman. Not even Robotnik. Rrrrobotnik. "WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, YOU COCK SNORTING GROUND HOG?" "My friend is stuck to the ceiling with glue and disgusting purple liquid kidney stones and he can't get up." "DOES IT LOOK LIKE WE SELL VIAGRA TO YOU?" Rrrrobotnik asked. "Do you have anything that can make him unstuck?" "I WISH UPON A WHORE, OTHERWISE THE JANITORS WOULD ACTUALLY GET SHIT DONE." In the background, the hedgehog heard music he thought was Snoop Dogg. Sonic turned his attention to the source; the Janitor's closet. There, a janitor was stuck in a doorway to the janitor's closet, screaming uncontrollably. "DOOR STUCK! DOOR STUUUCK!" Cried the janitor stuck in the closet. "PLEASE! I BEG YOU!" "Oh, what's the use? I've lived a good, long life. I got to meet people, I got to see the world, perhaps now it is due time to let the Reaper take me from this cruel Earth," the janitor in the door wailed, turning to Sonic, "Farewell beautiful friend, let my final words be a lesson to you... always keep a spare key under the mat." And the janitor faded away, giving up his etheral form in order to ascend to a higher plane of existence. "who was that idiot" Sonic pondered with definitive college thesis "A GENUINE COCKSUCKER." "You know, I've never been to the Store in my life." "HOLY SHIT, REALLY?" Rrrrobotnik asked. "I WOULD HAVE NEVER GUESSED A BLUE BALL LIKE YOU HAS NEVER WENT INTO ANYTHING. ESPECIALLY A WOMAN. WAAAAAAH." Rrrrobotnik pointed over to the burn medicine section. "Okay, shut up. I need something to get my friend unstuck. If you don't have it, where can I get it?" "WELL YOU CANDLESNIFFING FUCKFENCE, WE USED TO HAVE IT, BUT IT GOT LOST SOMEWHERE WITHIN THE BOWELS OF THIS GIGANTIFUCKING SUPERMARKET. THIS LEGENDARY UNSTUCK MATERIAL IS SMALLER AND HARDER TO FIND THAN YOUR COCK." "Oh please, plot devices are always showing up right in my face no matter how rare or valuable. " "MANY DUMB SHITSTICKERS LIKE YOU WENT TO GO FIND IT BEFORE. IF I'M NOT MINDBLOWINGLY RETARDED, THERE'S ONLY ONE IN STOCK. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND BRUTALLY FUCKING MURDERING SOMEONE FOR A CONSUMER PRODUCT, MOST BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPERS DON'T." Sonic shrugged. "Well, see you in like five minutes, bub." "AND YOU AREN'T LEAVING UNTIL YOU BUY SOMETHING, YOU BILLSBURRY FUCKMUFFIN." Just then, steel panels slammed down over exit in the store. "I... left my wallet at home?", Sonic bluffed. "GO CLIMB A WALL OF DICKS." Rrrrobotnik spat. "AS YOU CAN TELL I DON'T GIVE TWO TO TWELVE SHITS, I SAID YOU AREN'T LEAVING UNTIL YOU BUY SOMETHING. GO FLEECE A PIMP FOR HIS RINGS OR SOMETHING, GOD KNOWS WE HAVE TOO MANY OF THEM." "Oookay?" Sonic said, backing away. A badnik worker strolled up to Rrrrobotnik as Sonic turned away. Asking about cake or something. Whatever. Off to find this unstuck thing. Sonic walked down the aisles, reciting the names of them in his head. "Let's see... Cereal, Baking, Beverages... Crossdressing, Demonic Rituals, Viagra ...Your Ad Here Starting at 99 Cents... nothing about this legendary unsticking material." Suddenly, a man in black stepped around the corner, swinging a pair of claws on a chain. "So, you seekh tha Unstuck too, nyahyahyaahyAAAAHHhhHH?" Said the Master of various martial arts. Sonic was puzzled. "I'm sorry - Nigel Thornberry?" "No!" "Human Skeletor?" "Come on then, you can do better than that!" "... Master Pain?" "No. My name is Betty." "Betty... what, Betty White, Betty C-" Suddenly a tremendous pains shot through Sonic's body as the claw flew at Sonic's shoulder. Snatching onto it, he was pulled toward Betty's face. He spoke with an imposing voice as he made his reply. "Betty." -END OF CHAPTER 1-