The Bodacious Badniks Of Eggman's Funky Rhytmn (AKA The Badnik Topic)

[Nintendoga]

Oh, Hello there loyal reader!

Welcome to the Sonic Stadium! I can see you've already got your shirts off and pants down, so join me as we take a look into Sonic's world, and more importantly-

How to Be a Badnik!

Step 1. Know your fellow Badniks!

Why now how on earth are you going to be a Badnik, if you don't even know about Badniks!? Well have no fear, for learning is our specialty, and continue and learn a bit about your fellow badniks!

First off, what is a Badnik? Well for those who don't know, it's the loyal army of the all-wonderful Dr. Eggman! In order to make a Badnik, one must utilize a power source. The power source can vary from innocent animals, to flowers, to energy balls, to almost anything powerful, such as the mystical Chaos Emeralds/Master Emerald. These are needed to make the Badnik feel alive and well.

(The Eggman Chemical Plant Industries Strike of 1989 forced us to give every Badnik it's own power source, instead of sharing a source.)

"Hey Nintendoga, can I just take a Motobug, slap a horn on it's head and call it a new Badnik?"

*SLAP*

"NO!"

The special thing about the many Badniks, is how they are made, what they look like, and how differently they act from one another. Sounds confusing? Well just remember our special word, Penis.

"Penis?"

That's right young lad, Penis! As is

P.eople

E.nvision

N.ew

I.deas

S.teadily!

"Ooh! Penis!" That's right young lad, now how do you use a Penis?

"Well first you think of the pretty lady from down the street and you-" No no no no no! Not that one! Here let me explain. Badniks are a special thing. You must care for each one as you would care for a child. And like a child, you give them a personality, individuality, and confidence to march out there into the real world. That's why each Badnik is so different, because we make each one with true love, care, and equality. Sort of...

Of course we haven't discovered a way to make an all-terrain Badnik, so we create each one differently, a "species" of Badniks if you will. Some of them are stuck to the ground, while others soar the skies in search of that wretched Hedgehog! There's even some that model fish, or can survive in extreme temperatures in Lava, or cold temperatures in Ice! It's quite ingenious actually, and the brilliant mind of Eggman makes sure that not only do Badniks look cool, and are cool, they must also have specifically designed attacks/defense mechanisms designed to their liking. Never re-use a Badnik. That's our motto-

*Ahem* Let's move onto-

Step 2. Know how your fellow Badniks work!

Eggman couldn't have just had the Badniks run amok randomly, they'd be too chaotic to control, and might cause too much damage to the environments. And what good is a destroyed environment? Nobody would pay to see the broken environments once Eggman's Zoology of Mobius opens up. So each Badnik is programmed to certain movements, certain attacks, and certain places, at all times. These of course are monitored by Eggman's newly installed "Big Egg is Watching You" cameras.

For some examples,

Caterkiller. A dangerous modified Caterpillar. Spikes on it's bodies prevent it from being smashed by any spin-jumping hedgehogs and the ability to seperate itself at will makes it the perfect enemy for small places. (We uh...haven't figured out how to put it back together after it does that, so.....yeah.....)

Ball Hog. It may look cute and cuddly on the outside, but on the inside it's a powerhouse machine of destruction. Hiding in the shadows gives it the advantage of attack. Of course they don't like to get their hands dirty, so they use giant balls....of DEATH.

Jaws. A Badnik modeled after a Piranha. But unlike a Piranha, it's skin is encased in a hard metallic body. Jaws that may even rival Jaw's Jaws, this chomping Badnik stops at nothing to get it's target. Also, no diving at the pool please.

Burrobot. This Mole robot knows just one thing, to dig dig dig! It burrows itself underground, nose out looking like a harmless left-over drill. But once it feels the vibrations of it's enemy nearby, it JUMPS out and attacks.

Motobug. With a wheel attached to his foot, and sharp blades for hands, it can easily slice and dice any fool that tries to come in it's way.

Orbinaut. This is a ball. This is it's spikes. Watch as the Orbinaut blocks the enemies path, releasing a set of spikes at an alarming rate towards the intruder. With no other option, it launches itself at the intruder as well. Sacrificing itself, for the motherland. This is the bravest damn Badnik I've ever seen, and it's been an honor to work with it......Orbinauts come in different colors, available at your local Egg-mart or Eggs R' Us.

Splats. There's no doubt about it, this mean bunny can jump. The weight of it's body along with the force of the Spring underneath it's body will make you as flat as a pancake shall you ever cross it's path.

Bat Brain. "Gotta go fast!" is our motto around here, and is all the Bat brain knows how to do. Lurking in the shadows, it launches itself from up above, and speeds towards the enemy. A powerful blow for a powerful enemy indeed.

Crabmeat. The pinch of a crab hurts like hell. The pinch of a Crabmeat will kill you, literally. It's may look like an ordinary crab from afar, but you'd best not get in it's way when it spots you.

"You see lad, there are tons of Badniks, and they are the driving force of our country! And to ensure that, each one must not feel like a machine, nor just another lacky, but as an individual. Different Designs ensure a great mind! Keep it up Baddies!"

And pray you don't ever meet them all at once

Step 3 The Badnik Philosophy.

Be strong!

Never turn back!

And When all else fails

...

Now that you've learnt about the Badniks, go on ahead and tells us about them. What is your favorite Badnik? What do you like about them? Thoughts about them? This is a Badnik Topic, so knock yourself out and discuss. Egg Pawn discussions may vary.....

And hey, play your cards right and maybe you can create your own Badnik someday!

GAH! Uh....we'll see about that.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Nintendoga

[Soniman]

Favorite Badnik?.....umm

Love love LOVE his design. And despite the problem with taking 2 hits to kill, I find it gives him an edge over most badniks.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Soniman

[PerfectChaos]

What the hell did I just read?

[Dr. Crusher]

I was going to explain in great detail as to which Badniks are my favourite of the bunch, but unfortunately I realised I like all of them. Even the piece of shit ones. They all have a place in my heart, from Motobug to Kiki.

But I do have some favourite favourite ones:

Buzz Bomber - The Motobug and Crabmeat are swell guys, but the Buzz Bomber was always my favourite of "the" original Badnik group. It's everything all Badniks aspire themselves towards, in all it's simple, pragmatic, cuddly critter-charged ways.

Caterkiller - When I first got into all things Sonicy, Caterkiller was my all-time favourite for some reason. And though I've grew up (slightly) and love many more mechanical buggers nowadays, I still have a soft spot for this guy, as well as it's other spiky/electric counterparts and successors.

Roller - I get the impression that Robotnik used this design as a prototype for his later Metal & Mecha Sonic projects. So in that regard, a nice little bit of unintentional foreshadowing there.

Orbinaut - Whether it's the angry version, the calm version, the fire version, the ice version, or the other versions that I've forget about, the Orbinaut design is always a treat, and I shall look forward to whatever it takes the form of in later games. Personally, I'm rooting for a cactus-themed one.

Bomb - Forget Bob-Ombs, these guys don't pull punches. And then Sonic CD takes it up a notch with giant bombs. I particularly like how, rather than running or jogging to the blue-furred opponent like you'd expect an individual who's hair is made from a literal fuse to do, they instead walk calmly towards him like civilised gentlemen, before bravely sacrificing their lives... oh, right, and the animal inside. Sucks to be him/her.

Grounder - Never thought a drill could look badass, but there you go. It even has one of the best entrances, always Leeroy Jenkining the fuck out of the walls in Aquatic Ruin. And of course, it was the inspiration for that Grounder, so thanks for that... er, Grounder.

Crawl - A rare case of a purely defensive Badnik, and if it weren't for it's exposed backside, it would succeed plenty well in that regard. And for extra cunning points, the shield even looks like a bumper. Little touches like this is why Ivo wins at life, despite not winning in reality. And being a fictional character.

Flasher - Size don't matter with this li'l fella, who will blind you and cost your rings. And he deliberately chooses tunnels. What a tool.

Slicer - Badnik Bastard Speed.

Asteron - Badnik Bastard Flight.

Shellcracker - Badnik Bastard Power.

Balkiry - It's a bird combined with a jet for chrissake. This design doesn't get enough recognition in my opinion.

Clucker - Never has a Badnik displayed the Eggman's motif more prominently than the Badnik that looks like a chicken and also happens to take refuge in an airship that says "Eggman" on it. Oh, and the projectiles look like little eggs as well. Nice touch, Doc.

The Aqua Planet Bird - Very few people know this, but these little tykes were actually the previous incarnation of Zalgo. It's in the eyes.

The Quartz Quadrant Scorpion - It's not as infamous as it's later, more Egyptian-dwelling counterpart, but this chap is still a jolly good design. You can't go wrong with tail cannons.

The Metallic Madness Buzzsaw Beetle - It looks like the Collision Chaos one from earlier, except instead of a few small projectiles, it now wields a giant buzzsaw for the purpose of giving Sonic an ironic (citation needed) death. A vast improvement, I'm sure you'll agree.

Rhinobot - It cuts the crap and bullfights with you, and rhinos have always been the greatest, so it's easy to understand here.

Bloominator - If only because Robotnik can do the impossible and somehow make such a thing as harmless flowers suddenly a spawn from Satan. And have cool names.

Bubbles - Screw you haters, Bubbles can stay at my place for shelter any time he likes. Monsters.

Penguinator - An onvious one. Was there any doubt? Anyone who doesn't like this one needs to be shanked with a sombrero. Because penguins.

Ribot - I always loved this one, because it's like a mini Egg Mobile, what with it's various means of using chained spheres to do you in. Meanwhile the frog itself just sits there, looking innocently at the screen, and into your darkest desires.

Cluckoid - A clever tactic is used here: rather than attack you directly, it blows you the fuck away until you bumble your way into another Badnik, or otherwise fall into a ditch or even a pit in a way Mr. Bean would be proud of. Who said robots can't be devious?

Skorp - Notorious for it's genital jousting ways, Skorp has won the hearts of many gamers for it's bastarditude, including my very own. Boomerang on, Skorp. Boomerang on. Oh, and it was from Sandopolis, and that was a beautiful place. Well, outside, it was.

Fireworm - Not a shabby design by any means. It's essentially five or six flamethrowers in one. Sounds good enough to me.

Toxomister - This one screwed me over too many times to count in Lava Reef. Because like their moustached master, the Badniks think it's only fitting that the fastest thing alive has the slowest and most humiliating death possible.

Egg Robo - Did you not expect this one? The one modeled after the great Dr. Ivo Robotnik himself? Okay, so they may only have a shit laser, but it doesn't matter, because as we all know, one of them decided to emulate his inspiration in a more literal fashion...

Chainspike - Because if you can't think of an critter or plant to base your creation on, just make something off the top of your head. That's the great thing about Badniks... they can be based on anything, animals or otherwise.

The Robotnik Winter Penguin - Again, penguins. And these ones are actually not penguin Badniks but rather they're cleverly penguin-themed bomb Badniks. Genius!

The Amazing Arena Clock - What can I say, it makes good use of exploiting the clock motif. Tick tock.

The Diamond Dust Snowman - This one could actually be tricky at times if you're not careful. Like Cluckoid, it sends you off to meet the doom of other Badniks/obstacles. You see? Even Badniks can happily work in harmony.

The Diamond Dust Penguin - A third time. Penguins. And these ones look like they belong in Crash Bandicoot.

Spina - One of the more recurring Post-Adventure Badniks, and with good reason. It's like any Badnik worth it's salt, a simplistic concept that does well in offense and defense.

The Casino Paradise Clown - Like Crawls, but more jovial.

The Egg Rocket/Cosmic Angel Diamond - It's a simple yet effective design. And it spins. Everyone loves spinning.

The Ice Paradise Penguin - Yep. Penguins. And these ones slide down like crack addicts.

The Techno Base Star - It's really nice in showing off the cybernetic touch of it, as any good Badnik shall fit thou zone they reside in.

The Techno Base Not-Flicky - Simply because of how WTF they come off as, let alone in a zone like Techno Base of all places.

The Twinkle Snow Penguin - You know the drill. Penguins. And these ones have top hats, like a sir.

The Chaos Angel Caterpillar - They have a surprisingly good length-span for their spikes.

Mono Clown - Because they look like deformed NiGHT-rejects.

Metal Hound - These guys solve the problem of worthless fancharacters vandalising your home.

Drill Worm - Just a badass design in general for something as simple as a worm. You know, in retrospect, if there's one thing I can give credit to Rivals for, it's that it had a few kickass Badniks...

The Coral Cave Crab - Proving that even in 2007, those pesky pincer-munching schmucks will devise new ways to pester you.

The Haunted Ship Skull - It's a flaming skull. That's all that needs to be said. Anything else would just derive from it.

The Blizzard Peaks Snowball - It may not have worked, but I like this attempt to blend in with the arctic environment. It's actually pretty smart, since a region like Blizzard Peaks would probably not be kind on the eyes, especially if you're running at the speed of sound.

Fullboar - It may work like Rhinobot, but... well, Rhinobot's already on this list, so fuck it, so is this guy. It seems to be a common theme for the "charging" Badniks to look especially awesome, just like how it's common for bird-themed Badniks to have emotioness stares.

Zoomer - Speaking of which, taking the Penguinator-worthy soul-stare aside for a moment, it has a sort-of totem design to it, and reminds me of the Green Hill totems. Too bad the Green Hill expy was in the previous episode, so no Newtron-hiding skills for him.

Steelion - For the Rotor jokes. And that it's a genuinely cool design and it showcases Robotnik's vast creativity in regards to defacing the animal kingdom. But mostly the Rotor jokes.

Snowy - Of course, I couldn't leave this one out. Who said Badniks have to be small? It looks like something you'd see in Mega Man X. Seriously though, penguins aside, I do seem to like a lot of ice/snow-related Badniks...

Scarabesque - I might as well just say "All the unique Episode 2 ones" and leave it at that, but really, somehow a dung beetle is made wonderful when turned into a Badnik concept. Plus, I like to think of their balls - combined with Oil Desert being an oil desert, as the Ghost of Billiard Ball Puzzle Yet to Come.

The Oil Desert Sandworm - The original Sandworm was right enough despite looking just like a longer Caterkiller, but this version... ho ho ho... this version is straight up gangster. Seeing this chap go along the sand is glorious.

I still believe that the Badniks are one of the best evil armies in media. There's plenty to choose from, they have limitless forms and appearances, and even the same types of Badniks can work differently from each other. Not like Bowser, who only gets off on turtles comically falling into pits. He needs to think outside the box.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Dr. Crusher

[Semi-colon e]

One of the coolest things about Generations Planet Wisp was that the Egg Pawns could conk you by throwing their spinning pick-axes out of almost nowhere. God damn you have to be very, very fast or take your time with these bastards. Same with the black Egg Robos in Modern Sky Sanctuary. No typical speeds or these guys.

But yeah I think Crusher accounted for most of the good ones.

Sonic 4 Episode 2 deserves props for badniks that are actually a threat because they're in locations that are advantageous to them. As dickish as the level design is, it's a nice touch. Steelion in particular was a very clever way of making an obstacle out of the badnik while making him hard to kill, and it makes Eggman seem pretty damn clever. One of the reasons White Park Act 3 is my favourite act in that game.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Semi-colon e

[Dr. Crusher]

Oh, balls, I completely forgot about the black Egg Robos in Generations. That was a nice surprise.

Of course, my previous far-too-long list didn't include Egg Pawns for obvious reasons (though I still love them, but mainly in Colours since they're unique in each zone ala the Lab Assistants in Crash Bandicoot - my favourite one's probably the Samurai Pawns in Aquarium Park), the Unleashed robots for being more like the Pawns, and the 2006 robots because fuck those guys.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Dr. Crusher

[...]

If we're counting this one, well, I'm going to rampantly praise this certain badnik.

METAL. FREAKING. SONIC.

This by far, is Eggman's greatest badnik and creation by far, hands down. With the fact he has almost all of Sonic's abilities, moving at supersonic speeds (even faster than Sonic himself at times), jumping, among others, this is no doubt one amazing creation. And it shows, as Metal is the closest one to beating Sonic. Also, he has a great design.

even though the bosses are extremely easy to beat sans sonic the fighters

[Emmett L. Brown]

Well, if we're gonna talk Badniks, I gotta give props to the one Badnik, the ONLY Badnik that ever made me stop and consider my approach every single time it appearand onscreen.

(Not actual depiction)

Conveyor belts, stompers, chompers, gas shoots, starfish bombs, crabs, Sonic the Hedgehog laughs at such hazards, but even he knows better than to fuck with the deadly Slicer Badnik. Approach from the ground, he'll nail you. Approach from the air, he'll nail you. Cleverly switch altitude and his blades home in on your regardless, and nail you. Helpless once declawed, but by then you're already down by a fortune of meticulously gathered rings. There's even one, very special, Slicer positioned right at the edge of a vertical ascent ready to knock you down as soon as you get close, and with the magic of screen size he'll have his scythes respawned when you climb back up again. Truly the Slicer is the crown prince of asshole Badniks.

[Dr. Crusher]

That depiction of Slicer makes him look like the Beetleworx version of a Bug's Life character.

[TheOcelot]

Well, if we're gonna talk Badniks, I gotta give props to the one Badnik, the ONLY Badnik that ever made me stop and consider my approach every single time it appearand onscreen.

(Not actual depiction)

Conveyor belts, stompers, chompers, gas shoots, starfish bombs, crabs, Sonic the Hedgehog laughs at such hazards, but even he knows better than to fuck with the deadly Slicer Badnik. Approach from the ground, he'll nail you. Approach from the air, he'll nail you. Cleverly switch altitude and his blades home in on your regardless, and nail you. Helpless once declawed, but by then you're already down by a fortune of meticulously gathered rings. There's even one, very special, Slicer positioned right at the edge of a vertical ascent ready to knock you down as soon as you get close, and with the magic of screen size he'll have his scythes respawned when you climb back up again. Truly the Slicer is the crown prince of asshole Badniks.

Have you met my cousin? His nickname is Mantis. He throws scyths to cut his victims down to size. Also does hair cuts.

Edited August 29, 2012 by MilesKnightwing

[Lady Soniko]

If we're counting this one, well, I'm going to rampantly praise this certain badnik.

METAL. FREAKING. SONIC.

This by far, is Eggman's greatest badnik and creation by far, hands down. With the fact he has almost all of Sonic's abilities, moving at supersonic speeds (even faster than Sonic himself at times), jumping, among others, this is no doubt one amazing creation. And it shows, as Metal is the closest one to beating Sonic. Also, he has a great design.

even though the bosses are extremely easy to beat sans sonic the fighters

Technically i wouldn't class M.Sonic as Badnik because he isn't run by a critter or flicky as his internal power source, he's more of a special case in terms of being part Badnik due to size and Animal gimmicks (because his design is akin to being a METAL Sonic) part advanced creation up there with the likes of Eggman's greatest manned machines.

[Wraith]

THis guy gives so little of a fuck about you that, unlike all the other badniks who just jump at sonic as soon as he shows up only to get their shit wrecked. He sits back and gets high. What a badass.

Edited August 30, 2012 by Waterwraith

[Dr. Crusher]

...I can't believe I never noticed that.

He's a pipe and everything. Holy shit.

Many fans chide on Robotnik, but he's the only Sonic character to have created and mass produced his very own bong. Chew on that, Meph.

Edited August 30, 2012 by Dr. Crusher

[Semi-colon e]

So essentially Sonic is slowed down heavily by that smoke because he's really stoned so he's really chill and slow and is just like "hey man, you got any munchies"? I'll roll with that.

Or maybe it's one of those bongs where it's just flavoured tobacco. I see Eggman as a guy who likes Strawberry, for some reaosn.

Edited August 30, 2012 by Semi-colon e

[Milo]

I kinda like Roller, he's somewhat of the first "robot Sonic" prototype, made quite ofbious by his blue armadillo-esque design. He can hop off, rolling like how Sonic does from offscreen and will hit you if you don't notice him. And after he curls and uncurls, he'll jump off-screen again, and hit you if he's in your way. He doesn't care if you're in his way, he'll just ram into you with zero fucks given.

Also, Asterons, who I classify in a section of badniks I refer to kindly as "Asshole Badniks" (or Demonic Spiders for you tropers :v). They are true kamikaze badniks, they get my approval for fucking your shit up if you don't notice them slowly diving in murder your ass:

Aquis are another type of Asshole Badniks, who's stalk you the second you appear and constantly fire their oily mucus at you. They suck.

Anyway, that's all the time I have for now about these badniks. Maybe I'll make another post about more badniks next time.

[Dr. Crusher]

Also, Asterons, who I classify in a section of badniks I refer to kindly as "Asshole Badniks" (or Demonic Spiders for you tropers :v). They are true kamikaze badniks, they get my approval for fucking your shit up if you don't notice them slowly diving in murder your ass:

Aquis are another type of Asshole Badniks, who's stalk you the second you appear and constantly fire their oily mucus at you. They suck.

But dear sir! You can't have one without the other two!

"LET'S KILL THROUGH WITH SLICER STABS."

"AFFIRMATIVE."

"I OBEY."

Woo!

Alright!

Ohhh yeah!

Look out down below, Slicer is on the go!

Can't stop this party 'till we ruin this zone!

This time we're not placed well,

We've brought some cheats along!

And as a team we can become even harder!

Together we can laugh at all the players!

It's clearly as hard as it seems!

Everyone can do some rage quitting!

The secret is crying to sleep!

We can drop atop the bit with those bumpers!

We will be back, in Mad Gear!

And everyone's going to be whiny!

We all stick it to Motobug's ruby rear!

Together we take your lives than any Badnik else could chance a swing!

So much better than boosting!

Slicer leads the myth, giving us greater scyths!

Asteron keeps us in the walls for relishing!

Add Shellcrack' by our side, makes things a risky ride!

We'll save Metropolis and rule the gold savings!

Together we can laugh at all the players!

It's clearly as hard as it seems!

Everyone can do some rage quitting!

The secret is crying to sleep!

Ohhh! Yeah!

We can drop atop the bit with those bumpers!

We will be back, in one part!

And everyone's going to be moany!

We all stick it to Motobug's ruby rear!

Together we take your lives than any Badnik else could chance a swing!

So much better than boosting! Better than boosting!

And together we can laugh at all the players!

It's clearly as hard as it seems! Yeah!

We can drop atop the bit with those bumpers!

We will be back, in Mad Gear!

And everyone's going to be whiny!

We all stick it to Motobug's ruby rear!

Together we take your lives than any Badnik else could chance a swing!

Can't stop us 'cause we cost you Mega Drives!

Oh yeah!

[Ominous Pigeon Master]

Weird that this post hasn't been replied to in 6 years. There should really be  a custom Badnik post on Stadium.

Favourite Badniks... probably Mecha-Bu, Semi and Sasori from CD, Clucker, Nebula (original design specifically) Aquis and Balkiry from Sonic 2, Monkey Dude, Bloominator, Turbo Spiker, Snail Blaster, Flybot 767, Penguinat- wow, just realizing how many awesome Badnik designs there are.

[MetalSkulkBane]

Okay, let's get modern. Classic badniks are always classic but I do appreciate goofy Egg Pawns. And my favorite variant?

Egg Pieerot and Jack Bommer, adorable juggling clowns. Jack Bommer gets extra points for painted skull and huge smile on his pumpkin.

The fact that they were created for Shadow the Game of all things makes it all the better.