[FANFICTION] Foolishness

[T-Min]

ALLLLRIGHT, guys! Here's the special thing I promised! :DDDDD

 

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APRIL FOOOOOLLLLLLLSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

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Do you want to continue?

 

I mean, honestly, are you sure?

 

I swear, it's just...what you are about to see is...I don't know if you want to see it.

 

But hey, you insist, so here you go.

 

...APRIL FOOOOOLLLLLSSSSAAAAAAHHHHHH

 

...

 

ok fine

 

Ribbit.

 

Ribbit.

 

His eyes slowly opened to nothing but darkness. No sentient thoughts passed through his mind; he almost mechanically rose to his feet, feeling nothing beneath him. Darkness all around; the darkest darkness anyone had ever seen. Everywhere. Darkness. Nothing to be felt, heard or seen, but a single sound.

 

Ribbit.

 

Ribbit.

 

Something finally clicked in his mind, and he became conscious. Conscious that he was alive, in some form. Conscious of that, the darkness, and nothing more.

 

Ribbit.

 

Ribbit.

 

His mind was slowly returning to him. Where am I, he thought. He became aware of a number of other sensations – sensations of pain, grief, agony, fear, anguish, dread. His sense of touch was permeated by a sense that something was encasing him, suffocating him – something soft, plush almost, but encrusted with the deepest, most bloody sense of complete and utter dismay. Again the sound.

 

Ribbit.

 

Ribbit.

 

But now, he became aware of other voices. Horrified, screaming voices, shouting exclamations of terror and frantic questions as to what their fate had been. He recognized the voices. They were the voices of his friends, calling out in the darkness for help of some sort. Their collective body limply began sliding towards the louder, much clearer noise.

 

Ribbit.

 

Ribbit.

 

“Froggy?” questioned one of the many voices swirling through the mad mass of souls. “I must save Froggy!”

 

Louder.

 

Ribbit.

 

Ribbit.

 

It was approaching closer, ever closer. He could feel the darkness thickening – he could see nothing, for he was already in total darkness, but now the darkness was so thick he could physically feel it, even through every other twisted sensation described in a previous paragraph.

 

RIBBIT.

 

RIBBIT.

 

He could feel himself being sucked through some disgusting portal, brushing up against gross masses of organic objects, as if going traveling through the digestive system of some massive hell-beast. All he could see was darkness; therefore he had to imagine just what it was he was touching on the path through whatever abstract, metaphysical madness he was experiencing. It wasn’t pretty. Finally, he could feel everything around him melting away. Including his flesh. It hurt.

 

RIBBIIIIIIIITTTTTTT.

 

His world shook with the force of a hammer pounding a stake into his vampire heart of a brain, and finally, Tails was awake. He shot up as if being propelled by a demonic catapult, gallons of adrenaline coursing through every blood vessel in his erect body, and he let out a terrorized vocalization that could be heard in every home, parish, county, and state. He sat up and regained his bearings for a moment, body still shaking shakily. His eyes shifted to both sides, and he turned his attention to the digital clock mounted on the mahogany night stand situated directly next to his king mattress. 3 AM. He sighed, wondering where that mystifyingly disturbing dream had come from, but then he heard it again.

 

Ribbit.

 

He screeched like a little four-year-old and jumped back, a newfound fear of the unknown coming over his entire person. He heard it again.

 

Ribbit.

 

He reached for the switch of his lamp, also situated on the mahogany nightstand, which was so beautifully crafted that it was as if it had been the masterwork of God himself. He gripped for the switch frantically, finally clutching firmly to it, and pulling down with the finesse and grace of a toddler learning to walk for the first time. And so the room was illuminated as if by a holy glow. Standing at the foot of his bed was who else but the cuddly and adorable pet of his acquaintance Big the Cat – Froggy. “Ribbit,” so he was greeted.

 

“Oh, uh, hi, Froggy.  How are you doing?”

 

Froggy stared at Tails with his weirdly shiny, yellow frog eyes. After an awkward silence, he croaked in response. Tails got a slightly unsettling air from the amphibious creature, but brushed it off as lingering emotions from the nightmare.

 

“Uhhh, yeah. So, ya got away from Big again, I see? Ah, he must be worried sick about you. Not like you care, I guess. Say, uh, how did you get in my house?”

 

Another awkward silence, followed by a croak.

 

“Oh, uh, heh-heh…uh…why am I talking to a frog.”

 

They both stared at each other for a moment, before a loud crash was heard in the kitchen. Tails’ fluffy fox ears perked up at the sound, and his body tensed up.

 

“Seems you’re not the only intruder tonight…”

 

Tails got up out of bed and opened the drawer of the mahogany nightstand. It felt to the touch as if it had been made of concentrated Jehovah. He reached inside and removed his finely-polished hunting knife, a gift given to him from his father. He thought back to his father, christened Sonimanius Discoidius Prower, nicknamed “Bob”, at that moment. Bob had been a strong man who served in the army for 30 years, fighting in The Great Iconoclastic Segaforium Adventure War of 2010.  When Tails was naught but a small, timid pup afraid of all that was the world, his father had entrusted this knife to him, imparting unto him words that encouraged him to put away his fears and become a true man. Years of character development brought on by his acquaintanceship with a certain blue hedgehog had brought about this change. He was no longer the wussy child of yore; now he was stronger, much more capable, much more independent. He recalled his amazing anus-kicking of Dr. Ivo Robotnik’s Egg Walker – which actually wasn’t a very difficult battle, come to think of it – and was filled with pride at how much things had changed for him.

 

Unfortunately, his father met his untimely end a year ago today due to asphyxiation from choking on some especially tough beef in some generic unlicensed burger joint. The last words he wheezed out as he lost consciousness were forever burned into Tails’ brain: “Can’t…breath…coaking!” The inability to breathe had caused him to mispronounce the word “choking” in a manner that was almost unintentionally comical. Tails almost laughed, but he didn’t. Because that would be in poor taste. That would make him a terrible person. Anyone who would laugh at that is a terrible person.

 

Remembering that someone had just then begun breaking into his home, he slowly crept, knife in hand, into the kitchen, Froggy following closely behind him. Upon entering the kitchen, he slowly groped for the light switch and flicked it on, seeing a red figure sitting at his table. He screamed. The figure screamed. Froggy croaked. But after coming back to his senses, he realized that the red figure was none other than…

 

“Knuckles?!”

 

The window to the left was shattered, with bits of glass scattered across the floor. And there sat Knuckles at the table, covered in blood and bits of said broken glass, except he almost didn’t seem to notice. He seemed more concerned with the half-eaten cheeseburger-type object he held in his hands.

 

“Oh, uh, hey Tails. Didn’t expect you to still be up this late,” he said. He took a bite of his meat-filled sandwich of miscellaneous variety.

 

“Knuckles…why did you just break into my house? Also, you’re covered in blood,” Tails said.

 

“Oh. I always come into your house at 3 AM. To eat Krabby Patties,” said Knuckles.

 

He held up the to-go bag, labeled “Krusty Krab”, and shook it about with pride.

 

“And why? Also, seriously, man, you need to get a doctor or something,” so saith Tails.

 

“Oh, I just…I like your kitchen. It’s filled with all this shiny stainless steel stuff and it’s so cool,” Knuckles noted.

 

Tails scanned the kitchen, noting that it was indeed quite beautiful. Perhaps every object in his home had been forged by the hands of Jesus Christ. Who was to say, but it was a gorgeous home that anyone would want to inhabit.

 

“Also, I usually come in through the chimney, but I decided to try something a bit different this time. Didn’t go too well, but I’ll worry about the hospitalization later,” Knuckles nonchalantly stated, taking another bite of his delicious vittles of unknown origin. Froggy croaked once more, indicating that he was, indeed, still there. “Say…why is Froggy here?” Knuckles questioned.

 

“I was wondering that myself,” Tails said.

 

Knuckles dug another Krabby Patty out of his to-go bag, handing it to Tails. “Want one?”

 

Tails stared at the Krabby Patty, wondering if it would invite some bad mojo upon him to eat this meat-based sandwich product after just having had a flashback that involved his father choking to death on one.  Still, he was quite hungry, and so he accepted the gift and sat down beside Knuckles. Froggy just sat there, on the floor, staring at both of them, perhaps croaking occasionally. Who knows what machinations were traveling through his amphibious mind.

 

This silence continued for a few moments before a knock at the door was heard.

 

“Knuckles, did you invite anyone else?” Tails asked.

 

“Uh, no, actually. Just me, myself, and mah krabbeh pattieesss…”

 

Knuckles caressed the Krabby Patty he was holding in a sensuous embrace for several seconds before finally making out with it. Knuckles fell out of his chair and onto the floor with his Krabby Patty, and began committing some unspeakable atrocities that should not be mentioned by anyone. Froggy stared at the madness, perhaps enjoying it somewhere deep down, maybe even contemplating the thought of what some sort of odd creature would result from a hybridization of an echidna and a sandwich of a miscellaneous variety. Who knows what kind of sick, dirty thoughts he secretly had as he watched Knuckles brutally crush and murder the patty whilst laughing maniacally, before finally stuffing the poor, helpless sandwich product in his mouth. What did you think he was doing? What did I think he was doing? Why am I even writing this stupidity?

 

Of course, Tails paid Knuckles no mind as he continued to consume his own Krabby Patty, attempting to ignore the incessant knocking at his door. Finally, it frustrated him enough that he had to see just who it was that had decided to interrupt his 3 AM Krabby Patty-eating session. He opened the door and in burst his good friend, Sonic the Hedgehog.

 

“Whoooaaaa! Way past cool! Aw, yeah, this is happenin’! Gotta juice and cut it loose!” Sonic repeated many of the other stock catch phrases he had accumulated over the years as he dashed about the house like a coke addict. Finally, he settled down for a moment, and began to speak civilly. “Good evening, my dear friend, Miles Prower,” he began. “Allow me to state the reason wherefore I have been forced to disturb you on this fine night.”

 

“Uh, Sonic, why are you talking like tha-“

 

“See, I have become engaged to a fine young lass, but she disappeared into the woods the other day and I simply cannot seem to find the woman. I was going to enlist you as well as the rest of my various excrement-covered acquaintances to form a search party for-“

 

“Ribbit,” Froggy chimed in.

 

“Oh! There you are! How did you find your way here, you beautiful thing?”

 

Sonic walked over to Froggy and picked him up, placing him on his shoulder. “Come now, my dear, our wedding ceremony is tomorrow.”

 

“Wait, Sonic, what are you-“

 

Tails stared in abject confusion and horror as Sonic kissed Froggy on the mouth in the most disgusting manner one could possibly imagine, and then traveled out into the cool night with her. Tails was still chipping away at his Krabby Patty, but he was beginning to feel a bit nauseous.

 

“Well, my dear friends, I fear I must be off now, but I suppose I will see you at the chapel for the ceremony tomorrow morning. ‘Twould be a shame for you all to miss the big night, after all.”

 

Froggy croaked. Tails just stared. But behind Sonic, he saw something stirring…its eyes glowing with a demonic light…on top of its head, a strange, glowing object…of much glowiness…and it spoke in a tone that was a veritable brown note, a tone so sinister that one would defecate in their trousers upon merely reading its dialogue.

 

“No,” it said.

 

Did you defecate?

 

You should have.

 

The figure was none other than the horror of all horrors, the ultimate terror, the most despicable evil ever thought up by man. Yes, that’s right. It was the Tails Doll.

 

You may cry now.

 

Tails watched with repulsion as the Tails Doll latched itself onto Sonic’s head and they broke into a one-sided, comical wrestle of sorts. Sonic ended up tossing Froggy across the room, against the wall. He bounced off harmlessly, making a cute squeak, and landed on the floor unharmed.

 

“Unhand me, you immoral heathen!”

 

But it was too late. The dreaded Tails Doll had already begun absorbing Sonic’s soul into the dark, plush cavity it calls its innards. As Tails watched this spectacle take place, he inhaled so deeply that he swallowed a bit of the Krabby Patty the wrong way. Tails than begin to cough and his face turn a bluish color.

 

Tails Doll dropped Sonic’s lifeless body and slowly and menacingly approached Tails himself, who was doubled over on the floor, unable to breathe. Knuckles had passed out, presumably from blood loss. Froggy just stared, as usual.

 

“Can’t…breath…coaking!” Tails wheezed, realizing that he should have trusted his instincts. He knew that this would happen, but he partook in the Krabby Patty feast regardless. If only he had had more foresight, but alas, it was too late now. His vision was turning blurry as his eyes went bloodshot.

 

“You’ll be seeing your dad soon, fox…” said the Tails Doll in its pants-defacatingly menacing voice.

 

Tails continued rolling around on the floor, desperately gasping for a breath of the oxygen around him.

 

“You will die, just like your father…” the Tails Doll went on as its counterpart convulsed about on the floor. He grew closer, ever closer, coming on like a blood-stained hurricane, before he watched Tails asphyxiating at his feet.

 

“And one more thing…”

 

The Tails Doll lifted its fingerless, stuffed hand, but then, the disguise flew away like a discarded love letter fluttering in the breeze to reveal…

 

“April Foooollllssss!!!”

 

It was none other than his father, Sonimanius Discoidius Prower, more commonly known as Bob.

 

“Haha, yep, that’s right, son, your dear old dad’s been alive all this time! Yep, you should have known it would take more than an obstructed wind pipe to take me down after all I’ve been through! Ha HA!” he said with pride. “Yep, I’ve been secretly organizing this entire elaborate prank from the day I supposedly died! I even got your friends to play along! I just knew you’d get a kick out of it! Ah…makes me happy to see how much you’ve grown up. Eh…son?”

 

Tails was dead. He had coaked to death.

 

……………………………

 

……………………………………………………………….

 

……………………………………………………………………………………….

 

“This is the dumbest, most contrived, most unfunny, and most nonsensical thing I have ever written in my life.”

 

I grabbed the keyboard and threw it against the wall, breaking it into bits, before taking my PC out into the yard and burning it to make sure that this abomination would never be seen by man.

 

…

 

And then I realized that I had written myself into this story.

 

What foolishness, am I right? Eh? Eh? Anyone?

 

…

 

Kill me.

Edited April 1, 2013 by Ragna the Bloodedge

[Tori Himemiya]

That was a nice read Mr. Bloodedge though I thought it was gonna be a BlazBlue fanfic.

Keep up the good work sir.

[Ultimate Waffle]

Excuse me.

 

I think I've reached the pinnacle of my life.

[Ruby CUL Terumi]

Marry me

[SkyLlama]

My life is now complete.

 

10/10 would read again.

Edited April 1, 2013 by SkyLlama

[T-Min]

I just now realized how many typos there are.

 

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:I

[Woun]

I'm don't want banned. BAKABAKA :<

[Sami]

That was the most beautiful thing I've ever read.

[Celestia]

 just now realized how many typos there are.

 

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:I

That just makes it funnier more quality, man!