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Tarzan - New 3D Animated Film

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So anybody want to predict the rotten tomatoes score for this? I'm aiming for 15%

 

Probably, though apparently there's still no release date for USA. Summit Entertainment is distributing it in that country but I couldn't find it.

 

So yeah there's still a long time before a score appears.

 

I guess It's up to me to reveal just how bad it is tomorrow for all you guys happy.png

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Probably, though apparently there's still no release date for USA. Summit Entertainment is distributing it in that country but I couldn't find it.

 

So yeah there's still a long time before a score appears.

 

I guess It's up to me to reveal just how bad it is tomorrow for all you guys happy.png

Oh, it's from...Summit...

 

...What can we expect, from a movie company that put out Twilight? even though arguably the movies were better than the books because we didn't hear as much of Bella's whining but EDWARD'S HAIR NO

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So I watched it today. It's pretty much what the trailer tells us it is. Just like the trailer the movie is is first half Tarzan and second half Avatar. Overall, It wasn't as bad as we made it out to be, but it's still pretty bad xD

 

There are some things that I want to talk about cause honestly they have to be talked about so here's a more detailed analysis below. I'm not gonna bother with spoiler tags, trust me, there's nothing to spoil, you know exactly what happens in the movie just by watching the trailer.

 

The visuals are hit and miss. The locations look pretty nice but most of the characters are stuck in the uncanny valley. Dear lord do the gorillas look terrible. The animation is decent though, not great, but decent. The music was incredibly bland and I don't remember a single cue. I saw the portuguese dub, so I can't say just how bad the voice acting is for you english speaking folk. Now let's talk about the characters:

 

-Tarzan here is portrayed as you'd expect him to be, in here he's the son of an american corporate president instead of an english aristocrat for some reason.

 

-Jane is so boring it's not even funny. The Jane by Disney actually had a character, had some really funny lines and was smart. This Jane is just generic damsel in distress, she does exactly nothing worth mentioning, she's pretty much a trophy for Tarzan here. She doesn't even think twice about staying in the jungle with Tarzan, in fact it's Tarzan that makes the decision for her. Way to take a dump on feminism, guys.

 

-Clayton is the corporate douchebag from Avatar, that's it, nothing else. It's true that the Disney villain was also just a greedy douchebag, but he at least had a witty personality and his early interactions with Tarzan were hilarious. This Clayton however is all about getting his precious unobtanium(The alien rock he's after doesn't have a name, but it might as well be called that, it's the exact same thing).

 

-Rafiki is....what's that you guys are saying? "Wrong movie dude, that's the monkey from Lion King"? Well guess what, Tarzan here has a bird friend called Rafiki....I....I don't even.

 

 

The rest of the characters aren't really worth mentioning, so here's the plot:

 

So it literally starts out in space. We see an alien meteor fall into the earth in the dinosaur age.......You know, a Tarzan movie.

 

Skip to millions of years later and we have Tarzan's parents taking his little 8 year old kid in a dangerous expedition through the jungles of Africa looking for the unobtanium(Great parenting, what could possibly go wrong?). They find it, then turns out apparently taking parts of it away upsets nature cause suddenly not only does a storm suddenly appear out of nowhere, apparently the rock is "pulling their helicopter down" and they crash into the jungle. Meanwhile Kala's son dies from chasing a butterfly and falling into a chasm(You know, if you're gonna rip off Disney's plot points at least do them well, falling into a chasm like a dumbass is nowhere near as compelling as being killed by a leopard) so she takes Tarzan to be her son's replacement.

 

Skip to years later and we now have Teen Tarzan finding Teen Jane doing a safari in the jungle. She almost gets killed by...uh....carnivorous ostridges what the heck. Jane then talks to her father about how cool it was to get saved by a jungle man.

 

Skip to a few years later again(Yeah movie keep skipping, it's not like Tarzan dealing with getting used to the jungle and proving himself to the apes could be interesting) and now Jane is the head of a foundation trying to preserve the jungle, she tries to get a donation from Clayton, who is now the head of Greystoke company(Tarzan's parents company). He takes advantage of her request to have an excuse to go there without rival companies thinking he's after the rock.

 

After getting to the jungle, Jane finds out his true intentions, so she gets pissed off and starts randomly running through the jungle(Yeah great idea dumbass). She gets saved by Tarzan from being eaten by aligators, we have the "Me Tarzan, You Jane" scene, then we have them bond by swimming and her watching Tarzan kill the ape leader and become the new leader. It's all very bland and not affecting at all, the movie is basically just going through the motions.

 

One thing though, in this version he lived in the jungle since age 8, not since he was a baby. He already knows how to talk! The reason the iconic "Me Tarzan, You Jane" scene is great is cause Tarzan doesn't know how to talk, since animal talk is all we knows. Since he already knows how to talk, how come he suddenly speaks in a cavemanlike way?

 

After that, Clayton finds Tarzan and shoots at him. They run away and for some reason, even though Clayton has lost them already, they keep running through various areas. It's like they couldn't find a good reason to have them find the unobtanium. They find a place where giant plants move and try to eat them.....When did this turn into Ferngully? Then we have them go through the unobtanium cave in a way that is just like the Avatar couple going through the trees after meeting.

 

After they come back, Clayton captures Tarzan and kills Kala(Don't worry, the movie didn't develop her relationship with Tarzan, so we experience no tension) and forces Jane to take him to the cave.

 

After that, Tarzan's friends instantly rescue them and then we have him crying over Kala's corpse.....BEFORE HER COMING BACK TO LIFE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON! No, I'm serious, Kala gets shot, falls dead for a few minutes and then wakes up fine and dandy. I'm pretty sure bullets kill, but fine.

 

So Tarzan goes to the cave to save Jane. He goes....uh.....through a snowy mountain that is right next to a crater filled with lava.....Wow, this movie knows about how earth works about as much as Dragon Ball Evolution. This isn't a platformer guys! The lava land, snow land and jungle land can't be right next to each other, that's not how earth works!

 

So Tarzan fools Clayton's guards, throws a stone at Clayton's helicopter, killing him in the process.

 

Then Tarzan brings Jane back to the jungle and says "Now Tarzan can take care of Jane". She agrees instantly and they live happily ever after.

 

Oh and the narrator ends the movie by saying "Tarzan learned that there's nothing more powerful than the love of a woman"......Yeah sure dude.

 

So yeah, it's bland, it's stupid and doesn't know what it's doing with itself.

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I dunno man, the fact that you had little positive to say and you essentially had one or two criticisms (specifically plotholes/inconsistencies) in almost each paragraph you listed makes the film sound like a load of elephant dung to me. xD

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So I'm confused. Is this movie actually set in Africa? Because if it is, why on earth are there giant carnivorous ostriches and giant carnivorous plants? O_o

 

Still, sounds like it really was mediocre from the get go. Won't be watching this unless it comes out on Netflix or something and then watch it for a good laugh. Disney Tarzan will always be the best Tarzan! XP

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So I'm confused. Is this movie actually set in Africa? Because if it is, why on earth are there giant carnivorous ostriches and giant carnivorous plants? O_o

 

Even if it wasn't set in Africa(I'm assuming it is, but they don't make it clear.) where exactly do those things exist? I'm no zoologist, but I'm pretty sure ostridges aren't carnivorous. huh.png

 

 

I dunno man, the fact that you had little positive to say and you essentially had one or two criticisms (specifically plotholes/inconsistencies) in almost each paragraph you listed makes the film sound like a load of elephant dung to me. xD

 

Well, it wasn't as laughably bad as I thought it was gonna be till after the second time skip. Before that it was just bland Tarzan story with no creative passion whatsoever.

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This isn't a platformer guys! The lava land, snow land and jungle land can't be right next to each other, that's not how earth works!

 

Are you sure it's not a platformer?

 

After they come back, Clayton captures Tarzan and kills Kala(Don't worry, the game didn't develop her relationship with Tarzan, so we experience no tension)

 

I guess Kala had an extra life in reserve.

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I'm late to the party on this, but after seeing the trailers for this film. My initial reaction was: "Woooow! This like a trainwreck and a half just waiting to happen!" The fact the production staff are foolishly believing that they've made a film that rivals the likes of Disney's Tarzan is pretty damn laughable. I can only wonder what the scores and reviews are gonna be like.

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Great Googily Moogily, this sounds even worse than I expected. Worse than the Disney knockoffs on Netflix Instant (Kiara the Brave and that Frozen knockoff, anyone?).

Omg, I saw those on Netflix and just started laughing so hard. Like, do they actually think anyone's that stupid? 

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So now that the russian bluray leaked, I thought I'd show off the most WTF moments of the movie. Keep in mind the audio is from an English cam so please excuse any noise.

 

 

So this is how the movie actually starts. Yes, this is the very first scene of the movie:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TD12SJ6mmIw

 

You know! A Tarzan movie! happy.png

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf6EvcRrtMw

 

"We'd better get out of here".......I don't know about you guys, but after surviving this, I would be screaming in panic, running away and also shitting my pants in fear. Gotta love how this is common dangers in Africa apparently.

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I...I don't know what to say honestly. Not only are they ripping off Disney's Tarzan but there's Avatar and a whole bunch of other sci fi movie cliches in there.

 

Oh great way to start the movie btw. Since when were there dinosaurs mentioned in any of the movie adaptations and books of Tarzan? Argh.

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Oh god, I'm seriously cackling at this mess. That opening had me in tears, because at first I was like "Is this Tarzan or Jurassic Park?" and then the fucking title shows up and I just ended up dying laughing.

 

Yeah, because the opening sequence to this movie totally screams Tarzan! /sarcasm

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Oh god, I'm seriously cackling at this mess. That opening had me in tears, because at first I was like "Is this Tarzan or Jurassic Park?"

 

I don't remember Jurassic Park having alien meteors happy.png

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http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/tarzan_2013/

 

21%.

 

Gotta love how there's a positive review that basically gives it a pass over the fact that it doesn't have Phil Collins. I really don't get why there's so much hate for him nowadays.

 

Oh and this:

 

"Tarzan swings along at a brisk pace with Twilight alum Kellan Lutz gamely providing the voice and performance capture presence for the titular hero. Naturally, he's the most well-defined character in the movie, his origin story providing the backbone for a series of escalating action beats and a surprisingly touching love story with Jane (Spencer Locke). There are moments of clumsiness here, though; brace yourselves for a cringey romantic montage backed by a Coldplay song."

 

.....You know, I could show the "Romance" to prove how stupid this guy is. Should I?

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I honestly don't think Collins himself was the issue with the Disney version but rather how his songs tended to convey what was going on during a scene where dialogue could've be more suitable and less "in your face" about what the characters were supposed to be feeling.

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