[FANFICTION] Foolishness 2: The Sequel That Has Nothing to Do With the Original

[T-Min]

Hello, ladies and gentlemen of SSMB! Happy April Fool's! For this glorious occasion, I have prepared something truly special. Anyone remember my old hilarious April Fool's-themed fanfiction from yesteryear,

 

 

Ahahaha no you don't because it was stupid

 

That notwithstanding, 'tis the season, so I decided to whip up a special sequel to this very special thing. Actually, it's not quite a sequel at all. As indicated by the title up there, it has nothing to do with the insane ridiculousness of the original. In fact, while the writing is still not serious at all, it's a lot more...well...you'll see. While it's all in the name of fun, it does require a lot more effort than I anticipated and is getting to be quite long. I have an original project on hold right now and I've got a big paper I'm starting tomorrow, and while I'd really hate to be all "THISZ HAD BETTER GET X AMOUNT REPLIEZ/LIKEZ/REVIEWZ OR ELSE ITZ CANZELLED!!!!", I don't normally write fanfiction, so I will use the amount of amusement this garners from my SSMBmates to determine how much effort I should put towards finishing this beast.

 

That said, here's chapter 1. Enjoy, fellows!

 

APRIL FOOOOOOOLLLLLSSS HUEHEEHEURHEHEHEAHEUHAHO

 

...okay screw it here you go

 

Sitting with a dark disposition, Tails stared at his computer monitor, drumming his fingers on the desk. His weary, glazed eyes pored over the words on-screen as he rested his chin on his fist. Staying up until 5 AM messing around on the Internet had obviously not been a very good idea. Still he continued to do so, paying no mind to the clock running in the corner of the screen. 5:01. 5:02. All concept of time seemed to melt away under the influence of sleep deprivation. And now, he had come upon something that seemed inherently fascinating to him. He wasn’t sure what it was he was looking at – his brain registered it as text superimposed on a harsh blue background that was already straining his tired eyes, and yet he knew he wouldn’t be able to pull himself away. He read the title. “Foolishness.” He snorted, cracking a smile at the title, and he began reading.

 

He finished. “…That was completely stupid,” he said. What was he even doing with his life? The title could not have been more accurate, to either the content therein or his current situation. He figured it was time to pull himself away from the computer and get in the bed. He glanced at his computer clock once again. 5:15 AM. He yawned and said to himself, “Never doing this again…” Sleepily, he shut his computer down and shuffled to his bed, climbing inside and wrapping himself in the blankets in order to attain adequate warmth with which to enter the state of sleep. As his head lay on the pillow, just before rest captured him in its lethargic embrace, his thoughts once again turned to the clock on his computer – specifically, the date displayed before it. 4/1/2014. April 1^st. April Fool’s Day.

 

Dang, he thought. If he were Shadow, his expression of distaste might have been much harsher, a thought he pondered briefly, but soon enough, he was sleep.

 

*  *  *

“AAAH, OH GOD, TAILS, WHERE ARE YOU. AAAAAH, OH NO, OH NO, HE’S GOT ME TAILS, AAAAAHHHH…”

 

Tails grunted as he was jarred from the depths of peaceful sleep. The morning sun shone through the shades of his window, a small collection of four segregated squares of plate glass positioned next to his bed. The muffled sounds of screaming came from outside his home.

 

“OH NO, TAILS, WHERE ARE YOU, COME QUICK, OH NO NO NO HELP. HELP. AAAAAAAAAA-“

Tails grunted again, this time out of exasperation. He knew what this was about. He knew exactly what this was about.

 

“NOW, I’VE FINALLY GOT YOU, YOU MEDDLESOME HEDGEHOG! I SHALL BURN YOU IN MY FIERY ACID PIT OF DEATH AND DOOM AND EVILNESS HAW HAW!”

 

Obviously, that was supposed to sound like Eggman. Only, it didn’t sound like Eggman at all. It sounded like a really nasally and awful and high-pitched impression of Eggman.

 

“AAAAAATAILS, IT BURNS TAILS, HELP, SAVE ME TAILS I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP OH NO OH NO.”

 

Every year. Every freaking year. Do you ever stop trying this, Sonic, he thought. Tails grunted once more, a low, sustained note expressing all of his frustration. He slowly turned his head to the clock on his nightstand. 9:18 AM. Four hours of sleep. This was going to be a long day. Groggily, Tails sat up in his bed and dropped his feet to the floor. He looked down at his feet then and questioned why he never bothered to take off his sneakers. Probably because Sonic didn’t, now that he thought of it. He always idolized Sonic as a kid. Now he just kind of wanted him to die. Well, that’s a bit harsh, he thought, but he wasn’t exactly fond of him on this particular day. He slowly got up out of bed and trudged his way to the front door, following the sound of the horribly forced screams. He threw open the front door and, sure enough, there was Sonic and Charmy Bee, cackling like idiots.

 

“PFFFHAHAHA, APRIL FOOOOOOLLLSSS AHAHAHAHAHAHA,” cackled Sonic like an idiot.

 

“APRIL FOOLS, APRIL FOOLS, APRIL FOOLS,” chanted Charmy, flying in hyperactive loop-de-loops.

 

“Yeah! …Heh-heh, you, uh…really got me, Sonic! For the…fifth time in a row,” Tails said, trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.

 

“AHAHA, you got that right, buddy!” Sonic playfully slapped Tails on the back and then wiped a joyous tear from his eye. “Oh…man…” he sighed. “That has to be some sort of world record. Thanks for the help, Charmy!”

 

“Anytime, Sonic!” Charmy replied, and with a hearty cry of “Zzzzzzzzzz-zooooooooooommmmmmm!” he was off to go on his own mundane adventures.

 

“Ah…well…” Sonic turned to Tails. “So, what have you been up to, buddy?”

 

“Sleeping,” Tails said.

 

“Oh, well that sounds fun! Heh-heh!” Sonic said as if trying to sound ironic.

 

Tails simply yawned and said, “Yeah. Well, come on in, I guess.” Tails always invited Sonic into his home-slash-workshop out of habit, though he wasn’t exactly sure if he wanted him here today of all days.  “Make yourself at home…I guess,” he said, and he went into the kitchen to make himself some dang breakfast because he was hungry.

 

“All-righty!” Sonic said, and he promptly plopped himself down in a chair that stood in Tails’ living room. Tails glanced back to him as he entered the kitchen. He went about making his breakfast – a simple peanut butter sandwich, because there wasn’t really much else he had at the moment. As he prepared the sandwich, he pondered Sonic’s current presence in his house.  Come to think of it, why would Sonic still need to be here? he thought. Unless…

 

“Hey, there, buddy! Whatcha makin’?”

 

Tails jumped up and yelped, startled by Sonic’s sudden presence in his immediate vicinity.

 

“Oh, Sonic, it’s, uh…just a-”

 

“Ooh, a peanut butter sandwich! Thanks, I’m starved!”

 

Sonic snatched the sandwich off of Tails’ prospective plate almost immediately, and just as quickly started stuffing the sandwich in his face.

 

“Uh, Sonic, that sandwich was for m-“

 

“Mmmm, you know, this peanut butter is super thick,” Sonic said through a mouthful of the stuff. “If you’re not careful, you could…you could…ACK!”

 

Tails raised his finger as if about to say something, but promptly, Sonic was doubled over on the floor, making exaggerated coughing noises.

 

“HCCKHRGPLTH TAILS- HGHCKCKLTHGH I CAN’T- I CAN’T BREATHE I’M- HAGHCKHHRFGTH- I’M CH-CH-C-CLTHPCOAKING.”

 

Tails’ brow furrowed at the exceedingly unfunny display. “Okay, Sonic, that’s enough…” he said. The disappointment was evident in Sonic’s face as he realized his trick hadn’t worked. He swallowed the remainder of the sandwich in his mouth and picked himself up off the ground.

 

“Geez, what’s got up your butt today?” Sonic asked, oblivious to the obvious answer.

 

“That really wasn’t funny, Sonic. My father died that way,” was Tails’ reply.

 

“Oh. OHHHH. Eeeesshhh…” Sonic grimaced. “I’m sorry, didn’t mean to hit so close to home there, buddy. I really had no idea. Uh…here’s this back.” Sonic handed the half-eaten sandwich back to Tails, who handled it like a dead rat. Truth be told, that was a lie, an “April Fool” of Tails’ own, if you will, but he didn’t want Sonic to know just yet. He handed the sandwich back to Sonic, preferring not to eat after him.

“That’s fine, I’ll just make another one,” he said. He reopened the pantry andset about the activity once more. Sonic scratched the back of his head, feeling quite awkward now.

 

“Soooooo…” he said, trying to change the topic of conversation.

 

“Yeah?” Tails asked, gaze not shifting from his continued sandwich preparation. He was feeling pretty crazy today, so he thought he might just use some jelly. He went over to the refrigerator.

 

“Any new…inventions you’ve been working on lately?”

 

Tails opened the refrigerator and peered inside. “Nah, not really,” he said as he looked. No strawberry jelly. Only grape. Dang, guess that will have to do, he thought.

 

“Oh,” Sonic said, looking down.

 

Tails removed the jar of amorphous substance from its resting place and carried it to the counter, where he began spreading it on the bread that would contain his sandwich.

 

“Oh, is that jelly you’re using, Tails?”

 

“Uh…yeah?” Tails said, confused as to why Sonic was asking.

 

“So, I guess that makes this…Peanut Butter Jelly Time!”

 

Sonic began pumping his fists in and out to simulate the infamous dance that went along with the iconic Flash animation of yesteryear. Tails merely watched with a glazed look, silently contemplating Sonic’s murder.

 

“Heh-heh, remember that, Tails? You know…that…that old Internet video with the…banana…and the…”

Sonic’s fist-pumping slowed down to an eventual stop. He cleared his throat. Tails forced a slight smile.

“Yeah, Sonic. I remember…”

 

He really wished he didn’t. Ignoring that, however, he turned his attention back to the delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich he had just crafted with his own two hands. It looked absolutely scrumptious. He was almost proud. Taking the sandwich with him back into the living room, he sat down. Sonic followed suit.

“So, what’s Knuckles been up to lately?” Tails asked, figuring he might as well try to make some sort of conversation himself.

 

“I dunno, not really been keeping up with him,” Sonic said. “Why do you ask?”

 

“No reason,” Tails said. He took a bite of his sandwich. It was every bit as delightful as it looked. This was probably going to be the highlight of his day.

 

*  *  *

 

Alone Knuckles lay, at the edge of the Master Emerald’s altar, resting his head after a long night of guarding said Emerald. He felt like it had been quite a while since he had actually done that. To his surprise, the Master Emerald seemed to have been almost untouched for as long as he’d been gone. To his knowledge, no one had even tried to steal it – not even that bat girl, Rouge. As such, he figured guarding it wasn’t really necessary anymore – and the Chaos Emeralds were basically more important at this point anyway. But he felt like he needed some quality time with the thing. You eventually do start to form an emotional attachment to an inanimate object if you’re tasked with what basically amounts to keeping it company.

 

He lay in a state of complete repose, eyes closed, not a thing amiss. But then, fluttering in the breeze, ever so lightly, came a small, perfectly rectangular piece of paper. Floating gently down, it landed perfectly on Knuckles’ face. His eyes opened suddenly and he picked up the piece of paper, wondering how such a thing had been carried all the way to Angel Island. Upon further inspection, it appeared to be a letter from some currently unknown party. Noticing the curly-cue handwriting style, he read it:

 

“Dear Knucklehead,

 

Hey, hon, just thought I’d drop you a line and let you know that I’m pretty much over my jewel obsession now. Hunting gems is so 2001. I prefer precious metals now. Gold, silver, platinum, the like. That’s what I’m after these days. As such, I won’t be bothering you and your stupid green emerald anymore. Take care for me, hon, won’t you?

 

Love, Rouge

xoxoxo”

 

…Huh. Well, that explains a lot, Knuckles thought. He had to wonder what brought on this sudden change, but hey, all the better. Made his job that much easier, plus he’d never have to see that girl again. Then, something caught his eye.

 

“P.S. See back, Knucklehead.”

 

Curious, Knuckles turned the paper around and read the message.

 

“APRIL FOOLS, YOU GULLIBLE MORON <3”

 

“…What?!” Knuckles exclaimed. Quick as he could, he stood up and turned around, facing where the Emerald should be. Sure enough, the large glowing mass of translucent gemstone that had stood there mere hours before…was gone without a trace.

 

“…FFFFFFFFfFFfFFEFFFFFEFFFFFFFEFFFFFFffFFEFFEFEFEFFFFFFFFF-“

 

*  *  *

 

Still Tails sat in his living room with Sonic, his hunger now satiated. He had come to the conclusion that that was the best PB&J ever crafted by a physical being. His meal now finished, he tried once more to maintain a conversation with his best friend.

 

“What about Shadow? How’s he doing?”

 

“Dunno, haven’t seen him in awhile, either. He’s probably out …moping or something. Being too cool and edgy for the rest of us. You know, things he’d do,” Sonic said.

 

“Yeah, come to think of it, we haven’t seen him since the whole Time Eater fiasco…that was…what, three years ago? Dang.”

 

“Seriously. Time sure flies. Heh, feels like only yesterday, Knuckles was all mad about Rouge trying to take his-“

 

Almost on cue, an ear-rattling scream filled the air. Sonic and Tails glanced around, trying to find the source. Luckily, the source came to them. Knuckles punched open the door. It swung to the side and then comically teetered back and forth on its hinges before falling to the ground. And there stood Knuckles in the doorway, hyperventilating with rage.

 

“Uh, Knuckles, that was my doo-“ Tails was quickly cut off by Knuckles’ enraged cry.

 

“I. HATE. APRIL. FOOLS!!!”

 

Knuckles jammed his fist into the wall beside of him. Debris trailed behind his spiked fist and fell to the ground as he pulled it out of the hole he had just created.

 

“WHOOOAAAA, there, Knuckley Knuckles!” Sonic said. “Just calm down and tell us what’s-“

 

“Knuckles, you just broke my DOO-“

 

“RRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH”

 

Knuckles rampaged through Tails’ humble abode, tearing the place to pieces to satisfy his tantrum. Sonic and Tails watched in horrified awe as bits of tables, chairs, cookware all went flying in the midst of Knuckles’ anger.

 

“Knuckles, seriously! Whatever it is, you’re going just a little overboard here! For the love of everything, CALM. DOWN!” Sonic shouted, trying to snap Knuckles out of it.

 

Knuckles finally stopped, breathing heavily, his fist still halfway in Tails’ kitchen wall. The house was now a mess that barely resembled the beautiful home it once was. Bits of upholstery lined the floor. Tails’ beautiful coffee table had been smashed in half, and a single plank of wood that once rested in the ceiling now fell to the floor.

 

“My…house…” Tails choked out, taking in all the damage. This day had turned out even worse than he had expected it to.

 

“Geesh, Knuckles…” Sonic said. He turned to Tails, giving a sympathetic look to his plight.

 

“I…built this house myself…when I was seven…” Tails shook his head, refusing to comprehend what had just been done.

 

“She played me like a…like a…like a DANG fiddle!” Knuckles shouted, still not angry enough to use profanity. He knew that was Shadow’s shtick.

 

“Who did?!” Sonic asked.

 

“That…that bat girl. She’s back at it again. She TOOK THE MASTER EMERALD RIGHT FROM UNDER MY NOSE AND MADE ME LOOK LIKE AN…AN IDIOT. I’M NOT AN IDIOT.”

 

Knuckles once again slammed his fist into the wall.

 

“All that work…” Tails muttered to himself, choking up. “All that time I spent planning and building…all of it’s gone to waste now…”

 

“Uh, Knuckles, I really think you owe Tails an apology for ransacking his house,” Sonic said.

 

“I-I-I would but I’m – I’M – I’M MAD,” Knuckles replied.

 

“Yeah, I think we can tell, Knuckles,” said Sonic.

 

“Why’d you even come here, anyway?!!” Tails cried out, tears welling up in his sapphire-blue eyes. “Couldn’t you have done this – I dunno – somewhere else?!”

 

Finally, Knuckles was calming down enough to think rationally. Still panting, he said, “I…I don’t know, I…huh…come to think of it…”

 

Knuckles looked at his fists. Suddenly, another piece of debris fell from the floor.

 

“Uhhh…sorry, Tails,” he said.

 

“Yeah, you should be!” Tails lashed out.

 

“Okay, Tails, now you need to calm down,” Sonic said.

 

“All right, all right,” Tails said, sniffing. He stood up. “I’m…I’m fine.”

 

“I’ll help you rebuild it, I promise!” Knuckles said. “Just…as soon as we find that bat girl and get the Master Emerald back.”

 

“We?! Who’s we?!” Tails lashed out again. “This is your problem, Knuckles! You can’t just rope us into it, especially after…”

 

He motioned to the wreckage that had been made of his house and personal belongings.

 

“…This!”

 

“He’s got a point there, Knuckles,” Sonic said.

 

“Well…the Master Emerald’s pretty powerful, and if it fell into the wrong hands, that’d be…kinda your concern,” said Knuckles.

 

“What’s Rouge even gonna do with it?”

 

“I-I dunno, bad things probably, I just…I WANTED A LITTLE HELP, OKAY?!”

 

Sonic sighed. “Well, Tails? I’m up for it if you are.”

 

Tails crossed his arms.

 

“Well…fine. If it’ll make this day pass by any faster,” he said.

 

“Now, we’re talkin’!” Knuckles shouted, pumping his fist in the air. “So first thing’s first: Tails, you’re the inventor guy. You build us a Master Emerald locator radar-type thingy so we can find out where she’s gone with it! Good thinking, me!”

 

“Uhh, Knuckles, don’t you already have one of those in...your head or something?”

 

“Y-yeah, but…but I need to be kinda close and…it’d just be more convenient if you’d…”

Knuckles could tell that Tails was getting angrier and angrier.

 

“Well…if you don’t want to, I…guess she couldn’t have gotten very far…”

 

“No…it’s fine…since you asked so nicely and all,” Tails said, and he set about to his workshop to do the deed, hunched over in a posture that indicated his extreme frustration. Sonic chuckled to himself.

 

“Heh, I still love that one,” he said.

 

“Wow, what’s his deal?” Knuckles asked.

 

“Knuckles, you kinda just destroyed his house,” Sonic said. “That 'so nicely' bit is still gold, though,” Sonic said, giggling again.

 

“I didn’t think it was very funny…”

 

“Wellll, Knuckles, humor’s a pretty subjective thing. Earlier, I tried to fool him into thinking I was coaking – er – choking, excuse me, and then…it turned out that was how his father died.”

 

“Oh…oh, man. Poor guy.”

 

“Really…”

 

“And that bit usually knocks ‘em dead, too.”

 

“Heh, I know, right? Maybe I’ll try it on Amy next time…hm…nah…she wouldn’t find it funny. She’d probably just get mad and then…yeah, that wouldn't go very well.”

 

Tails promptly came back with an appropriately round radar-like object.

 

“Here. Whipped this up in five minutes. It should lead us right to the Master Emerald,” he said.

 

“Whoa, nice work, Tails! Guess we’re all set then,” Sonic said.

 

“All right! Now let’s go get that bat!” Knuckles said.

 

“Fine…” said Tails. As they all stepped out the gaping doorway, Knuckles turned back to Tails.

 

“And hey, uh, Tails...” he said.

 

“Yeah, Knuckles?”

 

“Sorry about your dad…”

 

“Um…it’s…fine?” Tails said, confused for a moment. Quickly, he realized what Knuckles was talking about and slapped himself in the head. Oh well, he’d tell them the truth later. Maybe. If he felt like it.

 

Thanks for reading 8D

[RustyRick]

This was truly a grand masterpiece of writing that rivals the works of Tolkien, the amount of drama, comedy, emotions and actions in less than 4000 words was truly something spectacular, yet short enough to enjoy without yawning once, and it opened my eyes to the beuaty of books. *sniff*