The Nightmare, Fur Covered Xbox Sonic 2 Controllers

[GX -The Spindash-]

Because I can't get this out of my head today, join me in observing these... just miserable looking controllers and describing them in colorful ways.

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These controllers can't have been manufactured. I believe they were found somewhere in South America and had naturally evolved a bluetooth connection.

The hair grows over time, and you need to shave the controller at least once a week.

They mate for life, and if the battery on one dies, the other quickly follows.

Never before have I had to sit down and discuss puberty to a piece of gaming hardware.

After McDonalds shifted their marketing plans, this was the only job that the unemployed Fry Guys could get.

The controllers don't have vibrate functionality. They just emit a human scream.

During testing, one Xbox employee was rumored to have been consumed by the controller, just being absorbed into the hair. These rumors are still being investigated.

If you attach googly eyes, the controllers become Rare characters.

If you have voice commands enabled and call for your controller, it will sprout long, thin spider legs and skitter over to you.

These controllers are the final boss of Elden Ring.

If you wonder what happened to the original CG movie Sonic, well, now you know.

If you prick your finger and let a drop of your own blood drip onto the controller, a new button will appear on that spot the following morning.

If you completely peel off all the fur, there's a Dualsense controller underneath.

If all four controllers were to ever be brought together and synced to a single Xbox, it would awaken Jörmungandr the World Serpent, and Ragnarok would commence.

If you begin to notice white flakes appear on the controller, you'll need to switch its shampoo to a moisturizing formula.

Data miners have discovered files to suggest these controllers are the next unlockable characters in Sonic Forces Speed Battle.

If you need to send the controller back to Microsoft for repairs, it MUST wear a recovery cone until it has fully healed, or else it may try to chew or scratch at the stitches.

Game Pass Ultimate subscribers can download the hair to their own controllers, or to their phones via xCloud.

[TSS Classic Comment Bot]

Posted By: YoshiAngemon

No, thank you. If I wanted something fuzzy or furry to hold in my hands, I have plenty of Build-A-Bear plushes, even Risa from the Honey Girls. Her ears are fluffy. Maybe get Red Panda Mei from Turning Red.

[Rabbitearsblog]

Why in the world would they want to make furry controllers in the first place?

[GX -The Spindash-]

6 minutes ago, Rabbitearsblog said:

Why in the world would they want to make furry controllers in the first place?

XD Because as we've seen thus far, Paramount's advertising campaign for this movie has been ENTIRELY tactful. Absolutely no trash-tier grasps at virality up in here.

[TSS Classic Comment Bot]

Posted By: Godot

I’ve lost track of all the xbox variations but I guess it’s safe to assume this one can play Unleashed. And maybe once Sega sees the light Sonic 06 could join in too. I gotta enter, man. Those are the only Sonic games I’ve yet to play and desperately want to.

[GX -The Spindash-]

On 3/22/2022 at 7:22 PM, Godot said:

I’ve lost track of all the xbox variations but I guess it’s safe to assume this one can play Unleashed. And maybe once Sega sees the light Sonic 06 could join in too. I gotta enter, man. Those are the only Sonic games I’ve yet to play and desperately want to.

It’s generally supposed to play everything the Series X can, but just not at full settings. Also Microsoft has effectively said they’ve done the extent of what they’re going to do for backwards compat, so it’s VERY unlikely that they would add Sonic 06 to backwards compatibility. No corporate entity with rights to that game actually wants you to play it because it’s a broken mess that was an embarrassment to the company but not so much that they were willing to simply cancel it or make significant delays.

[SolidSurgeTT]

Yeah, I’m good, thanks.

[Starry Skydancer]

I’m sure someone would have loved a stylish Sonic and Knuckles themed Xbox. This is not that Xbox.

[TSS Classic Comment Bot]

Posted By: Greatsong1

Next up, furry VR headsets.

[TSS Classic Comment Bot]

Posted By: followmyrainbow

Such a Cheap and lazy design? These don’t really say anything about Sonic or Knuckles specifically. Totally wasted opportunity to design something really cool.

[TSS Classic Comment Bot]

Posted By: Supersonic

Couldn’t they have just given out a free Sonic 2 themed Xbox instead…

[GX -The Spindash-]

On 3/26/2022 at 7:53 PM, Supersonic said:

Couldn’t they have just given out a free Sonic 2 themed Xbox instead…

A Sonic 2 themed Xbox Series S WITHOUT two muppet torsos fished out of the Henson studio dumpsters wouldn’t have gotten the undeserved attention that we are sadly giving it right now.

[mayday2592]

Those things are gonna be super gross after a month.

[TSS Classic Comment Bot]

Posted By: vanilla

On 3/22/2022 at 7:47 PM, GX -The Spindash- said:

It’s generally supposed to play everything the Series X can, but just not at full settings. Also Microsoft has effectively said they’ve done the extent of what they’re going to do for backwards compat, so it’s VERY unlikely that they would add Sonic 06 to backwards compatibility. No corporate entity with rights to that game actually wants you to play it because it’s a broken mess that was an embarrassment to the company but not so much that they were willing to simply cancel it or make significant delays.

"No corporate entity with rights to that game actually wants you to play it"

You say that, yet it's currently available in Japan through PlayStation Now. 

Another example, people like to say Sega wants to forget 2005's Shadow, but again, it was made available on PS3 in Japan. 

Not to mention that Unleashed was originally blacklisted over a decade ago, along with a bunch of other Sonic games that had a low metacritic score. And yet now it's available again. 

I guess my point is, things can change. It may not become backwards compatible through Microsoft's program, but a rerelease could happen... maybe.

[Dr. Mechano]

Yeah, these things are definitely "Keep in the box" collectors' items. Can't imagine actually using them.

[GX -The Spindash-]

On 3/28/2022 at 8:22 AM, vanilla said:

"No corporate entity with rights to that game actually wants you to play it"

You say that, yet it's currently available in Japan through PlayStation Now. 

Another example, people like to say Sega wants to forget 2005's Shadow, but again, it was made available on PS3 in Japan. 

Not to mention that Unleashed was originally blacklisted over a decade ago, along with a bunch of other Sonic games that had a low metacritic score. And yet now it's available again. 

I guess my point is, things can change. It may not become backwards compatible through Microsoft's program, but a rerelease could happen... maybe.

Sonic is more strictly managed in the West than in Japan because, by all accounts, Sonic doesn’t have a particularly strong fanbase in Japan.

[GX -The Spindash-]

11 hours ago, Dr. Mechano said:

Yeah, these things are definitely "Keep in the box" collectors' items. Can't imagine actually using them.

These things are definitely "Return them back to the crimson forges of hell from which they were spawned."