Depression as a Sonic fan

[OtakuHedgehog]

Note: A lot of this is copy&pasted from a post I made on my personal Facebook page awhile back, I added some more to it since and wanted to share it with some Sonic fans though.

 

            I am currently going through a number of terrible emotions right now. I’m just feeling very lost right now and that everything about life is pointless. I need to admit something right now and that is the fact that I am sick. I am mentally sick and I have been sick for many years now. I can’t communicate with people, I’ve struggled my whole life with communication but I’ve just never been able to really connect with people. Whenever I want to talk it’s like some invisible force is gripping my throat and preventing me from communicating. Kids at school always used to think I was weird, and as an adult, women think the same. Because I’ve always struggled to make friends in real life, I’ve tried to turn to the internet to meet people, but I’ve become really hurt by cowards online who try to hide behind the power of anonymity which has caused me to lose even more faith in humanity. I know that my family says that it’s not my fault and that it’s because of my social disorder, Asperger’s Syndrome, which is a form of autism, but that doesn’t make things any better. I’m ashamed that I’ve turned 30 this year and that I’ve never had a girlfriend, I’m ashamed that I’m still living with my mother, I’m ashamed that I’m letting teenagers online get under my skin, I’m ashamed that I gave into anger and argued back, and I’m ashamed that I do not have any friends in my area to hangout with. And it’s not like I don’t try to put myself out there. I have tried dating apps only to have no success, I have tried making friends at work only to not be able to connect with them on a personal level (especially when it comes to women), I have tried getting out of the house and meeting new people only to have people ignore me. I know that at the end of the day, all of this is my fault and that I can blame nobody but myself, but I felt that I really needed to vent and posting my feelings would be really therapeutic for me.

 

 

Without getting into life details, Sonic has helped me get through very difficult times in my life. Now to the main reason why I’m making this post. I know that it may sound silly to a lot of people but I feel that my heart has been torn and that I am losing my mind because of a few horrible things that have been said to me online. This happened about four years ago but has severely started to impact my mental health last year. I suffer from intrusive thoughts and OCD, because of this I constantly replay bad memories again and again in my mind. Even though this incident happened four years ago, it still feels fresh in my mind. My mental health started to severely decline last year in September. I got into a few nasty arguments back in 2018 after the release of the Mario vs Sonic Death Battle video. I gave my opinions on the fight on my YouTube channel back in 2018 and was swarmed with hate messages. I had no idea that my video would become so popular, I was very unprepared and shocked to see all the negative comments from Mario fans all because I said that I believe that Sonic should have won the fight. I know that people will give me the whole “sticks and stones” but it’s a pile of BS. Words do hurt, and they especially hurt when there’s nothing you can do about it because the bully is hiding behind a computer screen. It was especially frustrating to see that the live-reaction quickly became my most viewed video despite my hundreds of other videos about me playing video games barely got any views. This taught me that unfortunately in order to get views on YouTube (unless you’ve been on the platform for years or have a big following on another platform already) you either have to create controversy or have sexual content in your videos, otherwise you have no hope in standing out. And unfortunately my live-reaction to the Mario vs Sonic video sparked controversy on my channel and I’ve had horrible things said about me ranging from calling me a toxic Sonic fanboy to racial slurs, all over a simple opinion. I didn’t get these many viewers when I made live-reactions to the Nintendo Directs or Kingdom Hearts 3 trailers, but because I had a controversial opinion about Mario, the internet wants to crucify me.

 

Disgusted by these comments, I felt that I didn’t do a good job explaining my reasons for why Sonic would win because my original video was intended to be a live-reaction, not a debunk, but again I didn’t expect to get so many views. So I eventually decided to make a 90-minute long debunking video going into depth why I felt that Sonic should have won the fight and I did get some nice comments. Unfortunately, they were overshadowed by the ignorance of the most arrogant, cocky, and hateful excuse of a human being I’ve ever seen on the internet. He went by the name of Dr. Cortex (which is a bummer because it’s the name of a character from another video game franchise I love so I always think about this jerk whenever it’s mentioned now) and he was all over the Mario vs Sonic video comments section just harassing every Sonic fan that he could find and high-balling Mario to no end. And he constantly made replies to my comments advertising my video calling it garbage while boasting his ego. He also twisted my words when I said I didn't want to deal with trolls, I was trolled with my live-reaction video and made a debunk video for Sonic fans to watch, in his mind though he took it as me saying that "anyone who thinks Mario would win is a troll" which is not what I meant and he never let me live it down. I know people are going to say “just block him” but what do you do if he responds with “I wonder how many Sonic fans blocked me, lol”. And what hurts even more is that other Mario fans joined him and saw nothing wrong about his bullying. I unfortunately took the bait and argued back with him as I felt really proud of myself at the time for making such an in depth video defending my hero, only for it to be trashed on without being given a chance. I ended up looking like an idiot and the end and made the Sonic community look bad. And what makes this hurt even more is the fact that my ex-best friend told me that my channel is doomed to fail just because I didn’t like the Game Grumps who are major Sonic detractors, so these mean comments made me take what he said to heart. What hurt even more though was his comment about me having a mental problem as I took that to heart because of my social disorder. This online bullying has had a major impact on my self-esteem and love for nerdy things. 

 

For my whole life, I’ve used Sonic as a shield to hide behind the world, Sonic was my light in the darkness and now whenever I see Sonic, I can’t help but think about this Mario vs Sonic drama. And it’s not like I would have been mad if Sonic lost to anyone else, Sonic lost a Death Battle to Wally West, I can accept that. It’s just that out of all the characters that Sonic could have lost to, they had to make him lose to Mario after he already beat him back in 2011. Not only that, but they made him lose in a milestone fight with fancy hand-drawn animation, and for a few years, it was the ONLY Death Battle rematch where the other person won. So for a few years, Mario was the ONLY character to ever win a rematch on Death Battle. It’s such utter garbage, I swear the nerd community has Nintendo’s butt pressed to their lips and I’m so sick of it. I did not grow up with Nintendo, my first console was the Playstation 1, so I grew up with the likes of Crash Bandicoot and Spyro the Dragon on my PS1, and Sonic games on my PC. I didn’t have access to Mario as a kid so I have no nostalgic bias towards him like the entire nerd community does. And what hurts even more is the fact that the whole nerd community seems to hate on the Sonic franchise and the fandom. They probably do this because it makes them feel powerful to bully a group of people that they see to be beneath them when in reality, they’re probably bullied in real life and are just trying to blow off steam on the internet.

 

 I just don’t get it, I turned to the internet because I’ve been bullied in real life for my social disorder and my interests so I hoped to meet like-minded people online who are also nerdy like me. But I seem to get bullied even more online for what I like. As an adult, when I was in community college and wore a Sonic shirt I would get comments such as “Oh you like Sonic? I remember that game on the Sega Genesis, it was so much fun” but if I’m talking online with a Sonic avatar I’ll get comments like “What you like Sonic? Sonic sucks! He hasn’t had a good game since 1994, and if you like Sonic then you’re toxic!” I’ve been bullied my whole life by Nintendo fans for being a Sonic fan due to the whole Nintendo vs Sega rivalry of the 90s, I remember way back when I was in middle school I saw Nintendo fans trolling on old Sonic Discussion Boards (Any OGs here remember the Sonic Zone Forums?) always bringing up how Mario has higher-quality games or how Sega is sexist for making Amy get kidnapped but they’ll turn a blind eye to Princess Peach getting kidnapped in every Mario game. I remember this one specific individual who went by the name Waddle Dee who was a big Nintendo fanboy and admitted that he was only on the forum to argue. And yet Sonic fans are considered toxic by the nerd community, it’s such BS. I was already in a bad emotional state in 2018 for being rejected from the JET Program and this Death Battle drama put me into an even worse state. But the last straw was when I attended a panel at Fanime 2019 titled ‘Sonic: An Unfortunate History’ (you can see the panel by clicking on this link: Sonic: An Unfortunate History [Fanime 2019] - YouTube ) The whole panel was about crapping on the Sonic fandom and franchise while consecutively sucking Nintendo off. Why did I attend it? I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to defend my hero. The panelist even called me out for wearing a Sonic hat, but it’s an anime convention, you’re supposed to show off your love for nerdy stuff. And of course they put Chris-Chan in their YouTube thumbnail implying that all Sonic fans have autism and that all people with autism are weird which is not true. Elon Musk has autism and he’s one of if not the most richest people on the planet! And I know he’s much more successful than these Nintendo fanboys who have harassed me will ever be. See that’s when I lose it, not only does the nerd community harass Sonic fans, they call them autistic and use the condition as an insult which really gets under my skin because I’m on the spectrum!

 

Anyway, for the past year I’ve been trying to do multiple different things to overcome this negativity. I’ve been speaking to an OCD therapist for over a year about my obsession over these mean comments, I’ve been attending church regularly (I’ve invited my family to come with me, but they always say no) and trying to forgive the people who have hurt me, I’ve been exercising on a daily basis to blow off steam, I’ve been staying away from Death Battle/Nerd Discussions/Nintendo/Sonic material completely but nothing works, every day I’m still thinking of Cortex and these mean comments 24/7 for an entire year! I’m constantly thinking about how “I should have said this” or “I should have said that” or how I’m too nice and just let people walk all over me. There is something seriously wrong with me, I remember even asking Temple Grandin, a PHD holder on the spectrum who visited my old university a decade back, what she thinks about my obsession with Sonic and how it relates to autism. She told me it’s just a hobby and I felt embarrassed afterwards. What’s even worse about this drama though is that I’m beginning to obsess over it so much that I’m losing all the good memories in my life. And I’ve also tried taking a page out of my lessons from church about forgiveness and have reached out to my ex-best friend. I invited him to the 2022 Sonic Revolution Convention (which he flaked out on me in 2014), he not surprisingly didn’t come which makes me feel like forgiveness is nonsense. Why do I keep coming back to him? It’s because I’m so lonely and desperate to have a friend to talk to. But I needed to attend this event and see for myself what is it that truly makes me happy in life. I’ve always turned to Sonic and nerd stuff for comfort but now I can’t due to all the blind hate that I get from the nerd community for being a Sonic fan. And even among Sonic fans, I’m a social wreck! I can barely talk or communicate with people even if they’re dressed in Sonic attire. The only good part of the convention for me was when my two other friends from college that I invited to showed up. I was more happy to talk with them than to see all the Sonic goodness. So what does that tell you? What I want in life isn’t Sonic, I just want true loyal friends which I’ve struggled to make my whole life because of my condition. I would talk to my two college friends more but they’re married now and I have to give them their space otherwise they may become suffocated by me and push me away like my ex-best friend did.

 

So with all that said, here we are at the present day. I’ve turned 30 this year and I feel like an absolute mess. I did what I was told to do my whole life, I got good grades in high school, I went to a good college, I got my bachelor’s degree, and after all of that, I’m a 30 year old virgin living with his mother, I just recently became unemployed (my college degree hasn’t done squat for me and I recently fell for a job scam after I put in my two-weeks notice at my old job, I’ve been job-hunting like crazy ever since), and feel like crap. Looking back now, I can see that I wasted my 20s. Aside from studying abroad in Japan and obtaining my bachelor’s degree in Business Administration (I wanted Computer Science but had to drop it because it was too hard), my 20s have been an absolute wreck. I spent my 20s soul searching and trying to figure out who I am and it all just ended in failure. I try making and selling art, that didn’t work. I tried making a YouTube and Twitch channel to stream video games, that didn’t work. I tried learning Japanese to teach English in Japan through the Jet program, that didn’t work. I tried going back to college to get a Computer Science degree, that didn’t work. I tried dropshipping, that didn’t work. I tried learning how to 3D-model, that didn’t work. Nothing I did worked, and I also succumbed to darkness. I became an internet troll and harassed Nintendo fans because I got sick and tired of all the blind hate towards Sonic and the fandom. I know it’s unfortunately the whole nerd community as a whole that like to use Sonic as a punching bag but I know from experience that a lot of this hate stems from Nintendo fans. Not only because of the historical rivalry between Nintendo and Sega but also because most Nintendo fans are stupid teenagers who are too young to know that there was a time when Sonic was number 1. All they know about Sonic is the BS that popular YouTubers like Game Grumps and AngryJoe spit out to get views. I hate Nintendo fans and after all the BS I’ve been put through, I have every right to hate Nintendo fans. I don’t hate Nintendo games (although Nintendo as a business pisses me off a lot) but I can’t stand their fans. And if people want to hate Sonic fans for no reason (whiny, cringe fan-art, furries) I can hate Nintendo fans for no reason too (whiny, cringe fan-art, furries). All the reasons I mentioned are nonsense. All the complaints I find I find about the Sonic fandom I can easily find in the Nintendo fandom and other fandoms as well. I did a quick Google search and found this old discussion board asking “why do people hate the Sonic fandom” and I literally found comments saying “because it’s one of the worst fanbases out there” with absolutely no reason or logic to back their statements. 

 

https://gamefaqs.gamespot.com/boards/631516-wii-u/73407587

 

 

So nobody remembers when Zelda fans smashed PS4s in protest of Genshin Impact or gave Jim Sterling death threats for giving BOTW a 7/10 (which isn’t even a bad score). You don’t think I can’t find Mario pr0n with a simple Google search? You don’t think furries have ever dressed up as Yoshi or Donkey Kong? And not only does the Nintendo community get a pass for crap that Sonic fans would get attacked for, but Nintendo games get a pass too. Just look at Pokémon Scarlet and Violet it’s an unstable mess, despite that, it still got a solid 76 average on Metacritic iirc. If a Sonic game was as glitchy, unstable, broken and had textures that looked like something out of an N64 game, Sonic would get no higher than a 30 on Metacritic and that’s being generous. And to all the people hating on the Sonic fandom, what are you doing with your life that makes you above Sonic fans? You’re not a millionaire, you’re not driving a Lamborghini, you’re not living in a multimillion dollar mansion, you’re not some NFL superstar, you don’t have a bunch of girls chasing after you. You’re just another nerd behind a computer screen attacking innocent people minding their own business to make yourself feel better due to all the sh@t going on in your life! I even remember a time I got into an argument with some guy on YouTube with a ‘Sunny with a Chance of Meatballs’ avatar calling the Sonic franchise dead and saying Sonic fans are man-children. Why are we considered man-children and adults who still play Mario, watch Pokémon, watch Power Rangers, watch MLP, etc are ”normal”? Everyone has the right to like whatever they like, why do people get so triggered if they see someone liking Sonic?

 

I love the Sonic community, it was the first fandom that I ever got involved with way back in 2004 before all this blind hate for Sonic became the norm. I love how creative and passionate this community is. I think OC characters are awesome, I don’t know why people tend to hate the fandom for it. I’ve even heard stories about Sonic fans finding real life relationships from OC chat rooms. And fyi, I think that Bowsette crap is far more cringe than any Sonic OC, of course the Mario community doesn’t get hate for that. I also admire how Sega appreciates their fans unlike Nintendo, that’s why we got Sonic Mania, meanwhile Nintendo is busy shutting down every fan-game they can find and even sent a cease and desist order to the Etikons which were made to pay tribute to a big Nintendo YouTuber who passed away a few years back. I love all the Sonic animations for talented animators that have come out over the decades including ‘The Wrath of Nazo’ which I discovered way back in the day on Newgrounds. I think a lot of Sonic fan-art made by fans is amazing, I know some talented artist even got hired to work on the official Archie and IDW comics. Some of the discussions here on the Sonic Stadium are full of more passion and creative analysis than I’ve seen from any other fandom. The Sonic community is full of talented and passionate individuals, I love this community, I may be a quiet and introverted fan but I still love the fandom and don’t care what anyone  has to say about Sonic fans, I still love this community and the words from haters aren’t going to stop me from chasing my dreams of working for Sega. Speaking of Sega, I interviewed for my dream company, Sega this year for a game tester position, but they rejected me, I guess that's life. I just don’t know what to do with my life. Why did I make this post? I don’t know, I guess I just want some feedback, emotional support, closure from this online bullying, and to get my hope in life back. And I’ve linked my video in regards to Sonic and mental health in this post so people can get an idea of what I had to deal with. And to the nerd community, all I can say is congratulations, I’m not a Sonic fan anymore, I’m a nothing fan now. I’m sick of the nerd community and all these people acting like they’re hot stuff online when they’re really just cowards behind a computer screen. Well done nerds, you’ve killed my light, I’ve struggled my whole life to make friends but Sonic was always there to fill in the void in my heart and now I have nothing, are you people happy now? 

 

Nah, I’m always going to love the character to death, even if I don’t stay up to date with the games. It’s just that, depression really sucks. I don’t have the drive or will to play games or watch anime anymore because of how hated I am when I step out of my comfort zone and try to discuss in the nerd community as I’m blindly hated for being a Sonic fan. I even bought Sonic Frontiers on Steam due to a recent sale but I haven’t played it yet. I’ve heard good things about it but I haven’t had the will to play it yet (I still haven’t even touched Team Sonic Racing which I bought a few years back) and I haven’t dared to look at the Metacritic score as its just going to create anxiety for me.

 

Edit: I wanted to thank all those who gave me nice comments last night, I really appreciate it. I was in a bit of a rush to finish my post last night and realized there were some things that I forgot to mention. First off, I added some more pictures of archived comments from the past that really annoyed me. Second, I forgot to mention in my post that I just don't understand why Cortex specifically gets under my skin so much. I know that everyone gets mean comments and that I get mean comments all the time that I'm able to laugh at. But Cortex for some reason just really ticks me off. I think it's because of the fact that I at the time was a small channel and struggling for views while Cortex took note of my channel insecurities and attacked me where it hurt. He was also really prideful and arrogant and thought that anyone who disagreed with him was "100% wrong" and the Nintendo fanboys like Grant Strader backed him up. I also wanted to mention that I don't hate Nintendo games (I enjoy Smash Bros, love old-school Pokemon, and thought Zelda BotW was amazing), I just can't stand the elitist fans as well as some of Nintendo's anti-consumer business decisions.

 

I also forgot to mention that during the whole 'crapping on Sonic' panel at Fanime, I felt really depressed afterwards and called an on-call nurse over the phone to talk about the negative emotions that I was going through. I ended up telling her some dark things that were going through my mind at the time that I really shouldn't have said so she ended up calling the police on me. When the police came to my house I had to explain to them that I wasn't a danger and was just going through a depressing phase due to people talking crap on the character that I love. That was a bit of a scary, awkward, and embarrassing experience, thanks a lot Nintendo fans...

 

Here’s the link to my video in regards to Sonic and depression, any thoughts and feedback would be greatly appreciated 

https://youtu.be/afkhCq_P2o4

 

[Slash]

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Meanwhile, I'm taking solace in the highs from the fact that Sonic Prime seems to be solid, the Sonic 2 movie did well in the box office and with fans, and that Sonic Frontiers was popular enough to break an internet poll.

The haters can hate all they want but even after 5 years of absolutely nothing, this franchise still sells.

[OtakuHedgehog]

2 hours ago, Slash said:

I'm sorry you feel that way.

Meanwhile, I'm taking solace in the highs from the fact that Sonic Prime seems to be solid, the Sonic 2 movie did well in the box office and with fans, and that Sonic Frontiers was popular enough to break an internet poll.

The haters can hate all they want but even after 5 years of absolutely nothing, this franchise still sells.

Thank you for the kind words. Yes I do agree, 2022 has been a fantastic year for Sonic. I loved the Sonic 2 movie and can’t wait for Sonic 3. I’m also really happy to see that Sonic Frontiers has been getting some positive feedback. Though I was annoyed at first with the early gameplay footage being shown where people were chanting “Oh look another garbage Sonic game”. It’s as if people WANT Sonic to fail. I kept my mouth shut as I got into some stupid fights online mid-2017 defending Sonic Forces which made me look like a “toxic Sonic fanboy” but I’m glad to see the haters eating their words this time. I still stand by my opinion that Sonic Forces is not a bad game though, it’s a mediocre game but it’s not bad especially considering the fact it launched at $40. Unfortunately due to the elitism of the gaming community, a game needs to either be amazing or it’s garbage there’s no in-between. And apparently a 7/10 is a bad score (which is not true).

 

I know that I can’t change the world or how people feel. And I can’t stop people from hating. But it just really sucks hard that it feels like as a Sonic fan, you’re an outcast among outcasts. The nerd community believe that Sonic fans are beneath them and it really kills my enjoyment of nerdy things as a result. I mean, sure I’m a huge Sonic fan, the franchise has had a major impact on my life, but I like other things too. But nerds don’t care, if you like Sonic then you’re instantly considered a weirdo, furry, toxic, etc. And I say “nerds” say this crap not “people” because again, I don’t get this crap for liking Sonic irl from normies, it’s the nerds that want to bully me because they think Sonic sucks. And it’s especially frustrating when I see the younger generation ranting that “Sonic was never good” because they’re too young and ignorant to know of the time when Sonic was on top of the world! Yeah if Sonic was never good then I want these kids to explain to me, why was there a point in time when Sonic outsold Mario? I don’t think there’s ever been any other cartoony platform game that has accomplished that feat. Anyway it’s because of this BS that I’ve taken a break from nerd stuff and have just tried to focus on getting my life together. But the thing is, as a Sonic fan, I don’t go looking for Sonic hate, Sonic hate finds me. I remember one day I was watching a video on either stocks or crypto, the YouTuber mentioned how you have to be fast in this market and then he cuts to clip with a Sonic cosplayer crashing through a window. If I can find the video again I’ll post it here but that’s what I mean, I don’t go looking for Sonic hate, Sonic hate finds me, even when I’m avoiding nerd stuff.