Why Sonic 4 will suck

[Sparks]

Read this hilarious article on why Sonic 4 will suck:

Sega officially announced Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode 1 on February 4, 2010. Since that time, we have seen a smattering of images, less than a minute of leaked footage, and a few scant details. However, despite the dearth of Intel available, I have been able to piece together a fairly clear image of what Sonic 4 will be.

And it SUCKS!

Yes, Sonic the Hedgehog 4 is going to be the worst idea for a game since Denis Dyack screamed "FUTURE VIKINGS" in the shower one morning. I have been able to fully assess the product of an unreleased game from the barest of details, and I hereby offer a warning to anybody excited for Sega's so-called return to form. Sonic 4 will totally suck because I said so, and if you don't believe me, read on to find out exactly why it's going to be so awful.

Read the whole article for maximum lolz

I love this part:

The simple fact of the matter is that I really like the Genesis games, and while I could just play those ones, I'd rather have a game that looks, acts, sounds and plays exactly like one of the old Genesis games, but that will cost me more money to play. Everything needs to be precisely as I remember it in the early nineties, otherwise I will boycott this game, and we all know how devastating that would be!

Edited March 9, 2010 by 220

[Meow]

Oh Jim Sterling, he is much too awesome for words. I enjoy these articles regardless of what series/fans he mocks. Sonicetta though is simply scary haha.

[Rusty Spy]

This should have been done by "

That'd be so much win. The article is too awesome to be expressed in simple words. Though, Jim Sterling writing it was enough, I guess.

I had a particular lolfest when I reached "Sonic is too slow!" followed by "Sonic is too fast!"

Edited March 9, 2010 by Black Spy

[Badnik Zero]

2. The checkered pattern on the ball-and-chain has the dark and light squares in the wrong place. The dark square should not be in the middle. The light square is in the middle in real life.

It was pretty funny that he was complaining about the sequence of checkers, but "in real life" really got me at the end.

[Indigo Rush]

BBAAAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHHAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA

OH MAN, get me a tailor, I just tore my gut.

Edited March 9, 2010 by Indigo Dude

[novelty]

Oh Jim Sterling, he is much too awesome for words. I enjoy these articles regardless of what series/fans he mocks. Sonicetta though is simply scary haha.

Honestly, I looked up Sonicetta and all I see is pictures of cats....

Other than that, I honestly don't care if the series goes downhill from here because the music can back it up (since the music reflects the gameplay; simple and straightforward).

[CrownSlayers Shadow]

:lol: :lol:

That made my day. This article is the greatest article I have ever read. It's "SOOO TRUE!"

I also noticed a few people in the comment section of that blog completely missed the point, but more laughs for me.

[Gamerguy21]

Haha, that article was great. XD

I've just gained a lot more respect for Jim Sterling.

[Phos]

It was funny and all, but this is, what, the fourth article he's written on the subject that doesn't really have anything to do with the real complains people have.

WHY IS SONIC USING A GUN!!!!

[Tornado]

Is this the same pretentious asshole who had the balls to write that the Sonic franchise is fucked up as a result of the fanbase constantly bitching at Sega? I'm sorry, but color me unimpressed that this guy is lonely enough in life that he feels the need to write another substance-less hit piece on the fanbase in order to properly self-gratify, regardless of if he wrote it in a way that shows "he was totally joking lol."

Edited March 9, 2010 by Tornado

[Sean]

I don't get what's supposed to be so funny about this. Forced satire, much?

[Carbo]

I want the original picture of that article header.

It wasnt that funny though. He's done this time and time again on the ocassion. Its kinda worn out.

Edited March 9, 2010 by Columind

[Paul Str337]

I used to be a fan on Jim and downloaded the Destructoid Podcast (or Podtoid as they call it) for around six months. Recently though I get the feeling he delights too much in creating controversy for page hits. Now I'm one of the more positive fans about Sonic 4, but I have to take a dim view of Jim’s post. He’s already had one that I thought put his viewpoint about the game and its detractors across adequately enough. What is the point of this most recent update? To upset people who don’t share his viewpoint. The fact is people are cautious about Sonic 4 for a varying degree of genuine reasons. To just mock these people wholesale is immature at best and downright stupid at worst.

[Octarine]

I was amused. This was funnier than harping on those ridiculous boycotters, at least... I couldn't do anything but shake my head at that. It was a bit long, but pretty funny.

That said, I think the subject has been pretty thoroughly covered by this point. I appreciate that Sterling's willing to defend the game, but I'm not interested in reading another of these.

Edited March 9, 2010 by Octarine

[CrownSlayers Shadow]

I don't get what's supposed to be so funny about this. Forced satire, much?

Meh...I just find it amusing myself. He's playing around, and I'm just going along with it.

[Brianzilla2004]

Aside from the Bayonetta/Sonic thing and the initial chuckle of seeing "too slow" and "too fast" back-to-back, it's a pretty lame article. I've never even heard anyone complaining about subtle changes in the Egg-o-matic (which looked completely different in all three of the original trilogy games anyway), or that it will be an episodic game. I also don't understand the consistent statement that Sonic 4 looks like Sonic Rush. It certainly looks like a shitty Dimps game from the leaked footage, but it's not Rush that it reminds me of--it's Sonic Advance. Sonic 4 DOES look like Sonic Advance 4, but without the useless extra characters.

There's plenty to be skeptical about. Poking fun at non-issues doesn't wipe the slate clean. Nice try, Destructiod.

[Vic Boss]

Heh that was great.

"As if being too slow wasn't bad enough, he's always ridiculously fast".

[SykoTech]

Read this last night, and it was just as funny the second time. Amongst all of the serious bitch wars over every little detail over this game, it's nice to have someone cash-in some epic lulz regarding the situation. And that Sonicetta pic is priceless.

Only thing funnier than the article is seeing the fanboys getting bent out of shape and start throwing personal insults as a retaliation.

[Asuka]

One of my friends actually thought that the article was serious, and didn't want to even finish it because he thought that the guy must have been an idiot. |:

[Phos]

I get the impression that he's trying to affirm his belief in Sonic 4 by getting other people to share his opinion.

[Meow]

Which is exactly what people who are against the game do too. It works both ways.

[Chooch]

The Sonicetta picture is the only thing I really found amusing.

[Phos]

Which is exactly what people who are against the game do too. It works both ways.

Both sides of an argument can't be in denial.

[Agent York]

...A bit random, but do you think the reason the guy Jim at Destructoid is so going out of his way to defend the game is because he's already played it on PartnerNET and loved it? Just random food for thought...

[SykoTech]

Personally, I see this and the other articles as him just mocking fanboys than truly defending the game. Judging by his Deadly Preminitions, Heavy Rain, and Fanboys Need to STFU About Everything articles, he just loves being controversial and making fun of people.

Edited March 9, 2010 by Tentomon