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Why Sonic 4 will suck


Sparks
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Read this hilarious article on why Sonic 4 will suck:

Sega officially announced Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episode 1 on February 4, 2010. Since that time, we have seen a smattering of images, less than a minute of leaked footage, and a few scant details. However, despite the dearth of Intel available, I have been able to piece together a fairly clear image of what Sonic 4 will be.

And it SUCKS!

Yes, Sonic the Hedgehog 4 is going to be the worst idea for a game since Denis Dyack screamed "FUTURE VIKINGS" in the shower one morning. I have been able to fully assess the product of an unreleased game from the barest of details, and I hereby offer a warning to anybody excited for Sega's so-called return to form. Sonic 4 will totally suck because I said so, and if you don't believe me, read on to find out exactly why it's going to be so awful.

Read the whole article for maximum lolz

I love this part:

The simple fact of the matter is that I really like the Genesis games, and while I could just play those ones, I'd rather have a game that looks, acts, sounds and plays exactly like one of the old Genesis games, but that will cost me more money to play. Everything needs to be precisely as I remember it in the early nineties, otherwise I will boycott this game, and we all know how devastating that would be!
Edited by 220
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This should have been done by "

That'd be so much win. The article is too awesome to be expressed in simple words. Though, Jim Sterling writing it was enough, I guess.

I had a particular lolfest when I reached "Sonic is too slow!" followed by "Sonic is too fast!"

Edited by Black Spy
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2. The checkered pattern on the ball-and-chain has the dark and light squares in the wrong place. The dark square should not be in the middle. The light square is in the middle in real life.

It was pretty funny that he was complaining about the sequence of checkers, but "in real life" really got me at the end. :lol:

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Oh Jim Sterling, he is much too awesome for words. I enjoy these articles regardless of what series/fans he mocks. Sonicetta though is simply scary haha.

Honestly, I looked up Sonicetta and all I see is pictures of cats....

Other than that, I honestly don't care if the series goes downhill from here because the music can back it up (since the music reflects the gameplay; simple and straightforward).

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It was funny and all, but this is, what, the fourth article he's written on the subject that doesn't really have anything to do with the real complains people have.

sonicetta.jpg?t=1268086143

WHY IS SONIC USING A GUN!!!!

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Is this the same pretentious asshole who had the balls to write that the Sonic franchise is fucked up as a result of the fanbase constantly bitching at Sega? I'm sorry, but color me unimpressed that this guy is lonely enough in life that he feels the need to write another substance-less hit piece on the fanbase in order to properly self-gratify, regardless of if he wrote it in a way that shows "he was totally joking lol."

Edited by Tornado
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I want the original picture of that article header.

It wasnt that funny though. He's done this time and time again on the ocassion. Its kinda worn out.

Edited by Columind
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I used to be a fan on Jim and downloaded the Destructoid Podcast (or Podtoid as they call it) for around six months. Recently though I get the feeling he delights too much in creating controversy for page hits. Now I'm one of the more positive fans about Sonic 4, but I have to take a dim view of Jim’s post. He’s already had one that I thought put his viewpoint about the game and its detractors across adequately enough. What is the point of this most recent update? To upset people who don’t share his viewpoint. The fact is people are cautious about Sonic 4 for a varying degree of genuine reasons. To just mock these people wholesale is immature at best and downright stupid at worst.

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I was amused. This was funnier than harping on those ridiculous boycotters, at least... I couldn't do anything but shake my head at that. It was a bit long, but pretty funny.

That said, I think the subject has been pretty thoroughly covered by this point. I appreciate that Sterling's willing to defend the game, but I'm not interested in reading another of these.

Edited by Octarine
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Aside from the Bayonetta/Sonic thing and the initial chuckle of seeing "too slow" and "too fast" back-to-back, it's a pretty lame article. I've never even heard anyone complaining about subtle changes in the Egg-o-matic (which looked completely different in all three of the original trilogy games anyway), or that it will be an episodic game. I also don't understand the consistent statement that Sonic 4 looks like Sonic Rush. It certainly looks like a shitty Dimps game from the leaked footage, but it's not Rush that it reminds me of--it's Sonic Advance. Sonic 4 DOES look like Sonic Advance 4, but without the useless extra characters.

There's plenty to be skeptical about. Poking fun at non-issues doesn't wipe the slate clean. Nice try, Destructiod.

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Read this last night, and it was just as funny the second time. Amongst all of the serious bitch wars over every little detail over this game, it's nice to have someone cash-in some epic lulz regarding the situation. And that Sonicetta pic is priceless.

Only thing funnier than the article is seeing the fanboys getting bent out of shape and start throwing personal insults as a retaliation.

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...A bit random, but do you think the reason the guy Jim at Destructoid is so going out of his way to defend the game is because he's already played it on PartnerNET and loved it? Just random food for thought...

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Personally, I see this and the other articles as him just mocking fanboys than truly defending the game. Judging by his Deadly Preminitions, Heavy Rain, and Fanboys Need to STFU About Everything articles, he just loves being controversial and making fun of people.

Edited by Tentomon
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